It's time to rise up, as soon as we are born, we are on our way to dying...

8/8/23

This journey is really forcing me to be so open and honest with myself and to drop ALL of the egoic bullshit and conditioning. I went to see my Healer Monday and literally just sat crying for an hour and a half, the egoic victim story just keeps coming up when I get hit hard with the feelings and emotions and literal reality of my life. Dan died, it was cruel that he suffered, I’m now alone, grieving, with two kids under 5, trying to sort his estate is ridiculous, it is NOT a simple process and I’ve managed to sort ONE thing – taking his name off our contents and car insurance. That’s it. They want certified copies of fucking everything and take forever to process anything. I very much underestimated the time it will take to sort his estate, so I have decided to drop any timeframe or pressure as I thought, oh I’ll take a month off social media, that will be plenty of time to sort his estate, sort the house, gain clarity on what I want to do with my business, grieve – UM NO.NO IT IS NOT.

I am feeling into 3 MONTHS off social media. If I’m being honest, I don’t miss it. It activates my nervous system and adds to my overwhelm with the constant content and notifications and messages and blah. The pressure to post content and the temptation to scroll to numb my feelings (yes I’m human!). Now is the time to FULLY take a break from the rat race, and ensure when I dip my toe back in I am FULLY in control of how I use social media – and this WILL be in a way that does not activate my nervous system, does not overwhelm me, does not tempt me to escape, there is no pressure – I have gotten better at this each time I take a break but I am DONE and will only return when I feel that I am in a place to make it my bitch and not the other way around.

I NEED SLOW. My body and mind need slow. My nervous system is SO frazzled and heightened, I am still finding myself getting extremely overwhelmed by noise (the kids) very quickly. No matter how much time I get to myself, I may be cool and calm and regulated then the kids start fighting straight after I pick them up and BOOM i’m out of wack and overwhelmed and overstimulated and I can’t get back to regulation in the moment because this level of grief, this level of feelings, emotions, traumas, after being in fight or flight/survival mode for about 8 months – bro, it just is not a quick fix.

My healer helped a lot, as with these activations around the kids comes the Mum guilt because I often end up yelling at them and getting angry and then more angry that I’m having to deal with it all alone and there’s no one to tap out to. Then all the feelings and emotions come of how unfair it all is. Whew. I gotta keep it real, cos this IS REAL, this is what it is to be human and go through the shit.

I KNOW I am being called to level up. When I first started the journey I made MASSIVE mindset shifts, became more positive, optimistic, happy, manifested a lot of shit I wanted, felt more confident, more authentic, way more present and consciously aware, but despite that being A HUGE shift in my life back then – it was surface level shit. I am being called to go DEEP. Mindfulness aint it. It aint enough with this level of fuckery my babes. It just aint. I cant breathe my way through this (not saying it doesn’t help but its not ENOUGH) ya get me? So whats deeper than mindfulness and being present? Literally sitting in awareness, is-ness, pure consciousness which doesn’t have duality, it doesn’t feel, there is no ego, awareness just IS. Observing my ego, observing the fuckery I feel in my body and mind, no judgement, being the witness to what is unfolding.

Choosing over and over again how I react to what life throws at me until one day I crack it and my thoughts don’t default to victim around this, but acceptance of this is happening, this is my journey that I am on, This is an EXPERIENCE and I am here to experience it FULLY. I will not judge myself, I will not be a victim, because awareness is constant and knows and trusts without even needing to think about it. Its peaceful and ever present behind the ego and human bullshit – that’s where it is my friends, THERE will I not be a slave to my own mind, the system, conditioning and generational trauma, cunty people, shitty circumstances. THERE, I will be in my FULL power.

But it will take time and hard work, and i’m ok with that, i’ve got a solid foundation, ive got Mentors, I’ve got skills and I KNOW I can do it.

So, I will allow myself to break down, fall off the wagon, get caught up in the victim mode, feel the mum guilt, then I’ll pick myself back up and choose again and again and again.

I feel so much more authentic, calmer and at peace when my life is simple, no drama, and SLOW. As I get to know myself more, the more I realise I am just not mainstream, I am not part of the ‘system” in anyway. When I hang out with people who are stuck in the matrix so deeply, I just wanna get the fuck away, I cant do all the menial bullshit, gossip, drama and fakeness, mask wearing, complaining and taking no action etc, when I hang out with people that feel like home, that are so calm and open and so authentic and living life on THEIR terms, its so empowering, motivating, inspiring, liberating and just feels so juicy, free and expansive. I am here for BIG things, I am here to GROW and TEACH humanity – those who feel called to come along for the ride with me, the misfits who never “fit in” the people who can see through the control, power, manipulation, drama, and egoic ways of the majority of our human world. If this is you PLEASE comment below, I want to see my SOUL SISTERS.

It's fucking time to rise up, as soon as we are born, we are on our way to dying, Death is INEVITABLE, so as I slowly die I WILL DO IT MY WAY AND IN A WAY THAT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD THAT WHEN I DIE, I DIE HAPPY KNOWING I DID ALL I COULD AND I LIVED SO FUCKING HARD AND SO ME. Is this YOU? Claim it below woman!!!!!!!!

I’m still figuring it all out, but each day I tweak and I try new things and I go slower and I check in with my body and mind and I heal myself that little bit more as I slowly reclaim my FULL power after being tested time and time again for YEARS now. Dans passing being the ultimate culmination of just being forced to be re-born as I was meant to be all along, but twisted and contorted my way to fit in and be small, seen and not heard, act like a lady, do whats expected of me – oh no no no, all that did was make me even MORE motivated to be out LOUD and PROUD of claiming my birthright to be the fullest and loudest version of me I can be.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have all the answers it doesn’t matter that i’m still a grieving mess, what matters is each moment I get a choice – show up as the newest most potent version of me, or the old me that stays stuck. The thing is the old me died alongside Dan. I will NEVER be her again.

I KNOW this post will reach you on some level, follow that.

Each day right now is still choc filled with unfortunately still not enough self-care, emails and phone calls etc to sort dans estate, kids obviously, house work and sorting out the house one bit at a time, selling things etc but there will be no timeframe and no pressure, if I feel up to doing shit I will, if I don’t, I wont.

If I have a shitty day, that’s ok, as long as I do it authentically and don’t beat myself up, ill figure it out.

The kids Carer asked about fathers day today, she said she had something planned and wanted to know what she should do with the kids, I told her to continue to do it and we will share with daddy in our own way, they shouldn’t miss out and we cant just forget about daddy, we just have to find our own way of doing things. Will it hurt? Fucking hell it will hurt like a bitch, as will Christmas, birthdays, death anniversaries. Its just another things that I have to deal with – forever. And I will figure it out and I will ask for support if I need it.

I met with some other “widows” on Sunday as I joined a facebook group and the chch people had a meetup. There were all very nice, talked openly. And it was nice to have people that FULLY understand this journey, they know that it impacts literally EVERY area of your life, because our spouses WERE our life, and our kids lives. It also highlighted the bullshit in our society around death, widows and solo parents, one man who lost his wife was having trouble finding a house to rent and got told to “find another wife” I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Insanity, no doubt if I have to find another rental ill be told to find a man to help me pay or to “get a real job” with some kind of steady paycheck – nevermind that it will drive me literally insane to work a job I hate.  Society as a whole just doesn’t get it, and if I can be one voice to speak up and normalise it and share my journey, then I will, for those journeying with me and those who come after me.

Life is NOT black and white, its many many different shades my friends, and its time we accepted that instead of forcing everything to be black and white.

No matter what your life looks at – it is filled with choices. Choose authentically, from the heart, leaving out the ego, conditioning, and fears. Trust yourself, back yourself, BE yourself.