I hope ya’ll can see the lessons between the lines here

25/08/23

It’s really hard to properly put into words the affects of grief on your body, mentally, emotionally and physically. Today I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I’m so heavy, tired, no energy, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me – and describing it that way isn’t lost on me as I watched Cancer literally suck the life out of Dan, until he had no life left. It’s brutal, and the sad fact is that NO-ONE will understand fully, unless they have lost a spouse in their 30’s with young kids, it’s just a fact.

Humans are wired for connection, we all want to be seen and heard right? We want to feel understood, like people really GET us on  a DEEP level. But sadly, very very few people with get what i’m going through and my new life. There will be plenty of people out there, but that doesn’t mean they are going to be connected with me and we can talk about it ya know? Those first four weeks the all-consuming grief was at 100%. Another 4 weeks later at two months, its at 95% - I am still absolutely fucked up mentally, emotionally and physically by grief, and another sad fact is I am not left to deal with it, alone. Sure, Ive got my rituals, my practices, self-awarness, I try my best to manage my stress, look after myself etc but in regards to my village and the people around me, everything has stopped, its gone back to the way it was before he passed. Everyone has moved on and I get that they don’t understand how much I am still struggling, that I cant help it, I cant just SWITCH OFF GRIEF, all I can do is try to manage it as best I can, and hope over time it will not be as debilitating (which i’m told it wont be by those further down the path than me). I’ve given up asking anyone for help because when I last posted in the group I created specifically for help no one answered. I won’t lie, it does fucking hurt, but I also get people don’t have the time or space to offer me the  on-going physical and emotional support I need – but where does that leave me?

That I’ve yet to figure out, other than do it all myself, or pay strangers to help me with whatever, lawns, cleaning etc I’ve also realised that even though I really thought I’ve been being very gentle with myself (and I have) I was still thinking that I’d be further along by now, I thought id be able to do more, id have more energy, id have more things ticked off my massive to do list of what you have to do after someone dies – the paperwork and all the physical items he left. Truth is, after two months ive done maybe 25%, and here I was thining it would all be sorted within a month. I underestimated the pure debilitating affects of grief and therefore my ability to actually do anything more than keeping the house running and the kids alive – of which sometimes that’s even a struggle.

So, letting go. Letting go of any timeframes, no more timeframes, no more “oH thought it would look like this” or “I thought id have this done by now” etc Letting go of thinking people would support me more/better – I cant make them change or do shit so I have to find a way to accept that, as much as it hurts. Letting go of what I thought my day to day life would look like two months after Dan passing, letting go of thinking ill be ok to work anytime soon or back on social media. The truth is this is HUGE. This is NOT something to take lightly and try rush back into “normal” life. I have to take some sweet ass time to get through this intense grief phase, of which I have no idea how long it will be and what it will look like, so no expectations of anything, simply day to day living of what can I do today? How am I today? What do I need today? All I know is I don’t need any pressures of trying to work or show up on social media, look or act any kind of way, or have an expectations of how im supposed to be. The reality is some days im ok, others im a total mess. NORMAL. My whole life has been turned upside down, how am I supposed to be happy and positibve all the time? That’s NOT real human reality, I just don’t dwell in all the negativity and doom, if this was 10 years ago, it would be a different story.

I’ve been speaking to a new Widow friend and she just had a friend pass away suddenly of a heart-attack, they’d known each other for 30 years, you can imagine the grief and the feelings and emotions IT brings up of her husband dying, but again its also different, his wife is now a widow, thankfully they had no kids so she will have a bit more space to take care of herself and focus on herself 100%, but also there was no warning, and frankly its all hell whether its 7 months like me, 3 years like my friend, or 0 notice like this other lady, its all fucking hell. We’ve been talking about putting together some sort of list for widows to go through of what needs to be done when someone passes away, there’s so many little things that you dont think about like for example the amazon fire stick we have is all under his name and i’ve got 0 idea of the passwords or how to use it, for now it works, but if for some reason its logged out i’m fucked. Spotify accounts, if you don’t know your spouses password or phone and laptop that will make it super hard to get access to anything to try get information to shut things down, cancel things etc we had some time but I still didn’t manage to get all Dans things sorted, get all his passwords etc I just looked through his wallet yesterday and realised there’s a bunch of cards ill have to shut down like flybuys, aa membership I didn’t realise he had for his business etc This doesn’t include the fact I still haven’t even put the food truck in my name, gone through all the stock he had leftover etc its honestly never-ending, I don’t think people understand how much there is to do, how time consuming it is and this is on top of the usual day to day running of a house and being a solo Mother of two kids under 5.

I truly hope by sharing all this (and really it only scratches the surface) you can be better equipped to deal with it when it happens to you – because it will, whether it be in your 30’s, or 80’s! not to mention if it happens to anyone you know, you’ll know how to show up and support them, my widow friend sent her mates widow some uber eats vouchers and practical shit that we know all too well that simply trying to figure out what to have for dinner and physically make it is too much.

This week has been so fucking intense that I can feel myself on the brink of getting sick or having a breakdown. I desperately need a night and morning off the kids and a sleep in, but I don’t think that will happen until next weekend ☹ All I can do is go super super slow when the kids are at care and go to bed early. The weekend is looming and right now, ill be honest, I dread weekends. It is so fucking hard with the kids, they are so young and it is just FULL ON noise, fighting, demands, wiping bums, cleaning, making food, breaking up fights, noise all day from 5am, I know it’ll be easier when they are older and I am less fucked up from the grief, but for now, it is insanely hard.

I’m still waiting to hear back form the UK bank if they’ll accept my solicitors letter and the properly signed will, two tires slashed on Dans car by teenagers who will no doubt get a telling off and no consequences, Alyssa was unwell last Friday and Dylan this week which has fucked with my sleep, stress levels and days, and just a bunch of other shit I wont go into or you’ll be here forever. Its all piling up and I need a reset, but as a solo mama I don’t get one.

One good thing was my widow friend told me about a school in the city her kids go to that is more my vibe of teachers actually focusing on individual kids and their needs, what they are interested in etc instead of putting all kids into a box and demanding they all act/learn/do/be the same I took Dylan for a tour there yesterday, its very different as its right in the city centre (so no parking), there’s no playground or sports fields, but when it comes down to it the kids are at school for a long time, school really shapes (alongside the parents) who our kids become, and ill sacrifice a playground and sports field for my kids getting supported as individuals in their education and growth – of course they do go to sports fields and parks and have outside time, just not the usual way. The vice principal gave us the tour and she hugged me when we left, I mean, I highly doubt that would happen at a normal school?! The only thing is because I found out so late the ballet has closed and we go on a waitlist. The good thing is we are number 2 on the waitlist now and he wont be starting till term one next year, so there is a good chance he will get in. I will still go to see the local school we’re zoned for in rolly as I need to compare but I know I will vibe one over the other more. Its much more convenient to have the kids school closer, walkable or a 5 min drive, but again I will have to sacrifice that to ensure the kids get the right education and support to ensure they grow to become individual people, not what the traditional school shapes, conditions and moulds them to be alongside everyone else. Dylan will also get a say of course. Its huge, my oldest child about to turn 5 and go to school, ill be a school Mum, im not prepared for this, im really not, especially not alone. Its so bitterweet that Dan is not here to see his children grow up, do big things like have their first day of school, fuck its so unfair, and I still feel like this is some kind of surreal dream/bightmare/alternate reality.

I gotta go smash out some housework and rest, I hope ya’ll can see the lessons between the lines here that you can also take into your life, whatever it is looking like right now.