You’re not crazy for thinking and feeling the way you do.

22/01/24

I feel like I’ve gone backwards & relapsed into the grief I felt in the first few months after Dan passed. I feel constantly close to tears and burnout, overwhelm and like my body wants to just shut down and run away and hide. I mean lets be real its been one thing after the other, kids constantly sick, Dylan and Alyssa are still coughing and now i’ve started coughing too, there’s always something. Right now i’m dealing with two homebased carers 5 days a week for pickup and drop off that I feel like I have to walk on egg shells and get anxiety wondering what mood they’ll be in each day. I can’t do it anymore. With Dylan starting school I simply cannot be dealing with two homebased carers that cannot communicate with me in a respectful manner about my kids, and a school – which is something completely new to me. I don’t want 3 different paperwork’s and to be dealing with winz for two different carers for Alyssa. Its just too much to juggle. Right now caring for the kids, keeping the household running and trying to manage my own pain and grief is already enough, I simply cannot add anything else in. Of course I have to practice what I preach right? If it causes you stress, its gotta go. Simple. But I will also be real and admit its taken me awhile to even admit to myself it wasn’t working and was impacting my stress levels far too much, the people pleasing runs deep as I was trying to think of them and their feelings and situations, what they’ve done for me in the past and that was making me feel guilty, so I kept putting off really sitting with  moving Alyssa to ONE place. But now it’s reached a point I cannot ignore.