You can’t MAKE shit you want to happen, happen
22/3/24
I just had a great session with my Healer/Mentor, its great because he knew Dan too, he’s been there through everything that has happened, so he gets it from all those levels. Right now, there are changes happening in my life, I feel like a new phase of my life is beginning. And that comes with A LOT of feelings. Its scary and also exciting. I feel torn between the past and my future, feeling like if I move forward, I’ll forget Dan or I’m somehow “moving on” from Dan and the life we shared for 7 years, which includes the kids I still have. A widows life is extremely difficult and nuanced, and there are so many feelings and emotions in ALL areas of life, and as life shifts and changes – because we are still alive and our person is not. Fuck it’s the most complicated thing I’ve ever experienced. But also, fucking hell can I grow and evolve super fast with this journey!
As I reflect on who I was before Dan – its been 8 years, I have grown A LOT as a person in that time. I am more sure of myself than ever, I know what I want more than ever and I won’t settle for anything less if it is one of my non negotiable values or boundaries. I feel safer to be me and express my truth, to communicate my feelings and emotions, ask for help, face fears and discomfort etc, then since November 2022 when Dan was diagnosed my growth has accelerated because i’ve literally been through hell, the worst shit i’ve ever faced and i’ve faced it head on. From what I see in widows groups and just society in general, when shit gets hard people numb out, drugs, alcohol, food, depression pits and all the things right? And I would have done that in the past. But facing the biggest challenge of my life I have not numbed out (which is just delaying the inevitable, the stories i’ve seen are widows numb out for the first year or two THEN start to face everything) I have faced all the pain, grief, and discomfort head fucking first, I have felt it ALL, no numbing, I have not taken drugs or gotten drunk once. I have allowed myself to let the grief wash over me and face it all and yes its insanely hard and insanely painful – mind, body and soul. I won’t sugar coat it. But I believe this has set me up incredibly well for my life to quantum leap, for time to collapse, because I am owning every second of my life and reality and I know what I want for my future in terms of a new man, step-father for my kids, my business, how I feel about myself, my daily lifestyle, don’t get me wrong its not all down to every minute detail, but the non-negotiables. I know. And the universe gets a clear fucking message and when I step back and be present with my life, trusting these things will happen when the time is right – it happens, out of the blue, shit falls into place. And I know it will continue to as I recognise this and focus on what I am doing in each moment, trusting what is for me will come to me, knowing, showing up as my authentic self is all I need to do.
I trust this makes sense to those of you it needs to land with. You can’t MAKE shit you want to happen, happen, you can KNOW it through and through then leave it up to the universe while you mind your business and live your daily life. The seeds have been planted for a shift in my reality and I am not rushing anything, i’m not forcing it to be down the line where it all makes more sense and whatever, i’m just trusting the process, following my intuition and what feels right, and most of all at all times being ME.
Friends, the universe can’t give you what you want when you don’t have clarity, and clarity can take time. We need to get used to being patient and trusting the process, enjoying the process between A and B.
We need to be ok with the muck and all the thoughts and feelings that come up with a new phase of life, which often means leaving people or things, experiences behind. Go gentle, compassion and love for yourself. Its ok to be a messy human, its ok to struggle and fall down and its also ok for things to flow, be easy, for you to be happy.
I’ve been miserable for so fucking long with this journey that feeling good is a little foreign to me and my mind is like do you not love Dan anymore or miss him? Guilt cos society says I should be a depressed grieving widow until I die. My mind says who are you to be happy? Do you deserve to be happy? Are good things happening too good to be true? Is this real? Like I’ve been living in a nightmare going “is this real” then a new (good) dream comes along and its like “is this real”
Life is fucking trippy. The end. Lol