You can’t hear your own soul if the outside noise is too loud
20/5/24
It’s been 11 months since Dan passed today. It blows my mind, he was sick for 7 months, he’s been dead for 11. Wtf. Dead. Honestly sometimes I’m like did that happen? Was it a nightmare? How did I get through that? Where did these kids come from? The mind is such a tricky beast, it will try and fuck with you, dredge up pain, go over and over past traumas, remind you of what you’ve endured. It will try suck you down into the dark abyss – if you let it. But, I know I’m NOT my thoughts, I’m NOT my ego, I’m NOT my past, I’m NOT my traumas, I’m NOT my pain, I’m NOT a label of Widow, Mother, I am so far beyond that shit that I know not to allow it to take me over. I don’t let my own mind fuck with my mood, my health, my daily life. Have I wallowed in some grief and pain and self pity? Hell fucking yeah! I needed to. I needed to FEEL IT ALL, and I did that for several MONTHS, now the journey has shifted, I don’t need to sit and wallow in it all, I am in the next phase where I accept that this has happened to me, to Dan, to the kids, this has happened and I can allow myself to grow and evolve from it, I can learn from this experience. I can deeply feel the depths of pain to transform and inspire me to LIVE so fucking fully because I still get to. I owe it to Dan, to me to the kids to fully LIVE this life and shine bright as fuck in only the way I can. I allow the pain and grief, and I transform it into power, inspiration, motivation for LIFE. MY LIFE.
It's sad that often many people just trudge through life meh, unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, a shell of who they truly are, and it often takes something BIG like what I’ve been though to wake them the fuck up. I was always awake but I hadn’t got to where I am now – yet. This has quantum leaped me to where I was always going to get to. And the duality of this experience is something that is so loud for me every day. I continue to receive messages from friends and followers that they are so happy for me that I am happier. It fucks with me to think that Dan had to die for me to be happy with Jamie but I also know that dwelling on thoughts like that is not helpful, the thing is that shit wasn’t in my control, there is no reason for it all, but somehow this is where my journey has led me and again, I need to accept that. Guilt is another emotion that can be so tricky to feel. Grief and guilt, a double fucking whammy yo.
I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t feel guilt sometimes for feelings so happy with my new Partner, for feeling such a sense of hope for the future that I always KNEW would happen – growing old with someone in a beautiful, healthy, loving relationship full of joy, love, sex, travel, laughter, kids, growth – all the things! Im not gonna lie and say I don’t feel guilty for being with someone that isn’t Dan because all of these feelings I have are SO FUCKING NORMAL. But NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THEM. I don’t need some grief guru to tell me how to grieve, how to move forward with my life, I don’t need peoples approval to move on, I don’t need anyone to tell me that what im feeling is “normal”. The fact that I am feeling it means its normal. I’m so over the sick society we live in dictating how we should think, be, feel, live, act, love, do. We need to just burn it all down and start over within ourselves. Connect to YOU, drown out all the bullshit noise. Here’s your reminder to unfollow those accounts that make u feel less than, question yourself etc do. it. Now. You can’t hear your own soul if the outside noise is too loud.
I feel like my future with Jamie, the kids is super clear, and i’m still working on my career, my business. Just like I wrote a list for what I wanted in a man and then let go and trusted I would receive it in due time, i’m feeling called to do the same for my business, because there are some limiting beliefs there that I still need to work through. This journey of personal growth does not end friends, embrace it, it is a LIFESTYLE, not something you just do for a bit, it’s ongoing because life will continue to throw you challenges and curve balls. One day i’m going to have to deal with and grieve my own parents, at least I know what to expect now, but I know there is more pain to come, but that’s a motivator to continue to truly live MY authentic AF life because that brings me joy, that makes me feel so empowered, liberated and FREE. And don’t we all want to feel so safe to feel that internal freedom that can only come with being and embodying our true authentic selves?