We often create our own stress & suffering with our mindset, habits, conditioning, & pressure to show up a certain way

1/7/24

It’s fucking July. Life is going at a crazy pace right now, I have very little time or capacity to show up online right now, and I’m ok with that as I refuse to put any pressure or stress on myself as I already have enough of that with just my everyday life right now. I really feel like this second year of grief is going to be vastly different from the first and it begins with huge changes in me and the kids lives. The sickness this winter has been absolutely insane, I have NEVER seen anything like it in all the years I’ve been alive and never had the kids be this sick in the 5.5 years I’ve had kids. It’s the fallout of of all the covid fuckery I know it, but I won’t go there cos I can’t be fucked with that shit, I’m over it after everything we went through as a Family back then. Anyways, Alyssa got another ear infection and I ended up in after hours with her at 1045pm which was fucking stressful, she was hysterically crying, saying owww and nothing was soothing or helping her, I was freaking the FUCK out, I have never seen either kids like that writhing around in immense pain. Jamie was at his with his three kids and couldn’t help so I called Mum and Dad balling my eyes out, Dad came over as Dylan was in bed asleep and I took Alyssa to after hours. She was fine As long as she was dosed up on painkillers which obviously I hated giving her but didn’t have a choice. It took hours, they quickly confirmed ear infection and sent me home with painkillers and more antibiotics, we got home at 3am then Dylan was awake coughing his lungs out at 6am as he is still battling a cough coming up to a MONTH now which of course no-one can figure out why or give me any answers and no amount of all sorts of different things I’ve tried have made any difference. Its really fucking with me stress wise as it can’t be good for a 5 year old to cough for literally probably 12 out of 24 hours in a day, as well as the intense interruption to my sleep for a month as its worse at night, then also Alyssa might wake, my insomnia acts up etc. I’m pretty desperate for him to stop coughing but don’t know the magic trick to make that happen.  

Other than that I am flat tack with just a huge life change for the kids and I which is a huge mental, emotional and physical load, many factors requiring my attention and time to sort and a deadline now of less than two weeks to have everything sorted. My aim is to try chip away at it so its not all a mad stressful rush at the end, but shit keeps popping up like drs appointments, long weekends I forgot about, winz bullshit that never ends, and other appointments for the kids I can’t push out. But as usual, I try and stay grounded and focus on what is the priority, letting go of what isn’t important (showing up online consistently), we often create our own stress and suffering with our mindset, habits, conditioning, and pressure to show up a certain way and I refuse to do that anymore. I get to choose if I create suffering, pressure and stress for myself or if I create calm, space and flow for myself by listening to my body and minds needs and doing one thing at a time – knowing I cant always control the external. I see it time and time again that people literally create their own stress and suffering in their own mind, then they get pissed when someone else is dealing with similar (or worse) shit and handling it like a boss stress free – it IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TOO! But you gotta let go of the victim mindset, the conditioming and pressure to look/be perceived a certain way. I don’t give a flying fuck what strangers think of me, I don’t even care what people I do know think of me – cos they aren’t living my life and I know that TRUE mates will not care how I live my life, how I show up, as long as I’m not being a cunt – which isn’t hard right? I really am tired of seeing Women (and Men) suffering so much because of societal expectations which are chronically outdated, because of a lack of knowledge in how to manage emotions, stress, nervous system regulation etc if this is you – when I am back working I fucking GOT YOU. If I can go through the worst hell imaginable, and still be sane and handling life like A BOSS (mostly, I’m still human bro) after only a year – I clearly got some skills and knowledge that I can teach others – this isn’t  ME thing, this is available to EVERYONE – if you put the time and effort into it, and frankly if you don’t want to, please don’t reach out to work with me cos I cant help you, I’m not here to carry you, I’m here to empower you, give you the skills, knowledge etc for you to do it yourself, because you are the one that’s in your head and body until you die, own your shit, like I am. I didn’t want to, I wanted to be a victim cos it was so BIG, it felt too HARD, but I KNEW deep down that I had to own my shit, I had to let go of the shitty mindsets, I had to get over shit being “not fair” and “hard”. EVERYONE is struggling in some kind of way – especially now post the vid where the world is just a fucking mess. But you don’t have to sink with the ship.

Year two post loss is a new beginning, it is me re-building my life in a very specific, authentic as fuck way in literally EVERY AREA. I get to start again with my business, my love life, Parenting, how I show up and do everything, so I am ensuring it is so deeply ME and it feeling fucking good. I was learning a bit more about my human design recently and one thing hit me really hard – I get caught up in my emotions, which are BIG, I’m empathetic, I take on others emotions and they all get jumbled in with mine and mine get buried and then I get pissed cos I can’t share how I feel, no one listens to how I feel, no one gives a fuck about how I feel and it goes around in a circle. What I need to be doing instead of being ruled by my emotions is to lead with my INTUITION AND MY ENERGY and bro, that makes so much sense given I now have a very strong relationship with my intuition and energy and it has never led me wrong. So if I find myself getting caught up in my emotions I centre myself and tune into my intuition and energy and lead with that. “is this a good use of my energy?” yes or no. No ego bullshit – which I’ll be honest can be hard to let go of when you’ve been wronged and it means people seemingly “get away’ with bullshit, but its me that suffers in that exchange if I get caught up in it and I have to let the universe and karma deal to their ass, without me knowing when that happens and how, I have to just let go and trust that people will get what’s coming to them.

Right, off to tick more shit off the to do list while the kids are at school/pre-school. Stay grounded, be YOU.