Today is Dylans 5th Birthday, and I am not ok.

23/11/23

Today is Dylans 5^th Birthday, and I am not ok. I knew this week would be emotional. Monday was the 20^th, 5 months since Dan passed. Then today is Dylans 5^th Birthday, a big birthday anyway with a new life phase beginning, and also the first birthday since Dan passed. It’s hit me – HARD. Thinking back to last year when Dan was in hospital in pain on Dylans birthday, we video called him so he could talk to Dylan. The very next day he was diagnosed with Cancer, we then had a party for Dylan that was overshadowed by the shock, numbness and grief we were experiencing, not to mention not a day went by that Dan wasn’t in pain, having to take very strong painkiller that even then often didn’t work. I look back at us a year ago, just so lost and unsure what to do, overwhelmed with information. All we knew of Cancer was his uncle had it but was fine and my Grandad had it but that was because he smoked and smoked right? Cancer isn’t for seemingly healthy, young, fit people with two young kids right? I look back at how we tried to process everything, and felt we had no choice but to embrace it and make the most of it by adopting a mindset of we CAN beat this, we can be that small percentage that beats Cancer. If they can do it why cant we? But its not as simple as that is it? We both thought we had a really good chance and we will never know why things went the way they did and if it was inevitable no matter what we tried, I can’t torment myself with what ifs. Dan wouldn’t want me to. I cant make him alive again. But I can’t help thinking, if we knew he only had 7 months would we have done things differently? Would we have ditched trying anything and just gone and travelled the world with the kids or something? Done some bucket list stuff? Seen his Family earlier? (since he died before we could go on our booked trip). Again, I don’t know, and I never will.