The Rollercoaster

More word vomits from deep within

26/11/22

Dan came home from the hospital yesterday, straight into dinner and bedtime with the kids, then into a horrendous evening with both kids waking multiple times. The straight unto the relentless chaos of tantrums, shits, fighting, and all the rest. It’s really hit him coming home and seeing the kids, but also, its overwhelming for him because he’s in pain, he’s still processing everything.

Why him? Why us? Why now? Just fucking WHY. A question we’ll never know the answer to.

Neither of us can switch off the thoughts of worst case scenario – but we are trying to not go down the rabbit hole.

I feel stupid trying to lead a “normal” day.

I feel numb.

Angry.

I feel lost, lonely.

I feel emotionally buttfucked.

I am trying to take away as much pressure off him, I’m trying to do as much as I can with the kids, around the house, but I’m also conscious of me not burning out, because then I’m no good to anyone.

I’m trying to be “normal” for the kids. I mean what do we even say to them? Only Dylan will kind of understand, do we tell him daddy’s sick or make something up? I don’t know.

I don’t know anything. It’s the most intense unknown ive ever had and obviously I wanna run away from how fucking intensely uncomfortable it feels.

I want to break down but I cant.

I don’t know what to do, he’s still gotta parent right? Or do I just send him to Mum and Dads and solo parent?

Do I do all night and all day everyday? Cos with my insomnia I’ll be fucked, then I cant help anyone – but I cant expect him to do nights cos he needs to sleep.

I don’t know.

I need support, but I don’t know if we will be able to get ALL the support we need, but I suppose any is better than none.

With kids this young he cant just rest all day but fucking hell, how are you supposed to have the best chance if you cant rest?

We haven’t even looked into or discussed a plan for a new lifestyle to give him the best chance.

He’s decided to work on the food truck tonight, but im not sure it’s the best idea – even though I know him being around other people and doing something he loves will be good for him.

Its physically demanding.

I don’t know what tomorrow looks like, let alone next week.

We have to take it day by day, hour by hour.

When he has surgery its going to be a huge recovery and I don’t know how he’s supposed to do that with the kids.

I just don’t know.

I don’t want to walk around a miserable depressed mess, but I also don’t want to walk around faking everything is ok.

He’s 36. He’s got two kids, a partner, a whole fucking life to live.

My mind sways from omg worse case to, he’s going to survive this and live a long life – albeit different as he may not have a bowel.

He HAS to survive.