The hole this has left on my heart and life is IMMENSE

17/7/23

We gathered yesterday to celebrate Dan’s life and fucking hell the duality of being able to get 7 years of life with such an incredible, one of a kind man and feeling the void that him being gone has left is just making my brain explode and the tears flow.

It’s so fucking hard to accept his, to let go and to move on, not forgetting him, but I cant just sit at home and replay everything in my head over and over. I am absolutely not putting any pressure on myself to be ok by a certain date, I am going slow, being compassionate with myself, tuning into my needs everyday, using my tools, practices and modalities to keep my mind and nervous system as calm as possible, but seriously the hole this has left on my heart and life is IMMENSE.

Hearing people speak about Dan yesterday, sharing stories of him and the amazing things he did for them, his kindness and generosity, never having an agenda, his humour, his love for me and the kids – I didn’t realise how much he talked about me especially, but I was told by his fellow market goers that he would often talk about me and say how strong I was, and show them a picture of me. Insert crying face here! His Family (me and the kids) were his life, his drive, and I feel so grateful and honoured that I got to be his family and provide him a loving family, as I know he struggled with having split families and his siblings being half siblings. That’s why it is also so hard to accept that now our kids have no Daddy physically present and I worry about the long-term affects of that. It makes me feel like I have to love them double and be there Mum and their Dad.