The break-down IS the break-through.

24/9/24

Pretty sure I had a Mental Breakdown last week. As I sit here at a café typing, I am reflecting back – it is often not until we reflect back AFTER that we can see. I can now see how unconsciously I was suppressing a lot of emotions in regards to the Trauma I went through. My instincts were to do that in order to be functional for my kids. In order to not burden anyone too much with my shit. In order to stay “sane”. In order to survive – because I knew deep down that no one could help me. Everyone had their own lives, their own shit to deal with. I thought I was doing ok. I truly did. And it’s not often until something happens that we realise – oh shit, I wasn’t ok, I’m not ok. And for fuck sake can we drop the shame around not being all put together all the time! It puts SO much added stress and pressure on our already fragile Mental and Emotional health just living in this day and age with young kids.

Un-beknown to me the unravelling started when I met Jamie. My nervous system began to realise I wasn’t doing it all alone anymore. There was someone by my side who I could share my deepest darkest shadows with that wasn’t afraid of them. He wasn’t repelled by them. I was ashamed of them – briefly. Purely because of the vulnerability of someone seeing you basically fall apart in every way. I was happy, joyful even. I had hope for the future. I don’t re-hash the grief everyday and have flashbacks to the traumatising things I had to see and do. But the thing is, while it wasn’t in the FRONT of my mind, it was there lurking in the back. It was deeply ingrained in my BODY. The truth is, I’ve never been here before. I’ve never been this “fucked up” and to do it with two young kids, three extra young kids half the time and a new Partner – it’s a lot.