The Beginning

My Partner has Cancer. Oh Fuck.

24/11/22
On Dylan’s Birthday, 23 November 2022, I knew. I think I had known for awhile, but, I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to accept it. I still don’t. Is this real? Is it a dream? I feel numb. Lost. Lonely. ANGRY. My victim mode has come in HARD. Why him? Why us? He’s the kindest, funniest, realest, hard working, more amazing father to a fucking 1 and 4 year old. It’s not fair. Yet, here we are. My Partner, at the age of 36 with Bowel Cancer.

I never thought this would ever happen to me or anyone I knew. The big C. and he was certainly the last person I thought would have something like this happen to him. Other than the cancer, he is a super healthy man. It jus doesn’t make sense. He’s chilled as, so can’t have been stress right? Yet here we are.

I know thinking of all the why’s the what if’s will do nothing – nothing but cause me suffering. Yet, I also can’t turn it off completely.

I’m scared. So scared. Yet, I feel like I have to be the strong one, for my kids, for him and for me. They all need me, I need to be the rock. But, I also need held too.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next, I don’t know how we are going to have to shift and change our lives, I don’t know how we’re going to pay rent next week.

All I know is life is day by day and we will do whatever it takes for him to survive and thrive.

I knew I’d meet someone, get married, have babies and grow old together and it’s him. So, he WILL beat this, it will not define him or us and he will not be a statistic or label.

I’m not even sure how to process this year, cos it just got the most fucking insane it could get – a fucking cancer diagnosis. Stress after stress financial, health physical and mental, things going wrong constantly and now this.

Universe what the fuck? Can the lesson and growth not be a bit gentler? I’ve got no words left right now.