Sometimes I cannot believe how I haven’t fucking crumbled
8/1/24
Sometimes I cannot believe how I haven’t fucking crumbled. I mean I breakdown, I scream, I cry, I wish I was not living this reality, but I keep going, I honestly don’t even know how I do it sometimes. This is seriously pushing me to the absolute brink of my capacity mentally, physically and emotionally. Believe it or not the kids have gotten sick AGAIN. Alyssa got it off another kid at care – gastro. Vomiting and diarrhoea. Like BAD. Its day 10 for her now and she’s fine, but her poops are still a bit mushy and gross. Day 10!! Dads gone down as he has been helping out and Dylan vomited Saturday night, diarrhoea a few times, then was fine then vomited at night again then fine again. I don’t know what will happen with him as for Alyssa she was vomiting but then fine during the day for the first two days then she went downhill for a few days before starting to slowly stop vomiting and get to her normal self, for her it was also worrying about her getting dehydrated as shes so little and isn’t the best at drinking fluids. As you can imagine I was constantly changing nappies, clothes, bedding, myself, the couch, the floor. Horrific. Trying to take care of both kids, massively interrupted sleep as a lot of her vomits and poos were at nigjt. Mum and dad helped where they could but they have a house full of people and because of that haven’t been able to have the kids for their usual overnight and it is killing me. I desperately need a proper sleep and break from bed time and straight up at 545 every fucking morning straight into chaos. I am crossing everything that Dad gets better and Mum stays well so they can have the kids this weekend. And of course I am hoping I stay well and Dylan is done with it. I am hoping because he is bigger it wont hit him as hard. As if he vomits again he wont be able to go to care for a few days and its already been two weeks of long weekends. I’m still fucked from grief, sleep dep and stress so the kids in care the hours they are is still really fucking necessary right now. At least with Dylan so far hes been able to make it to the toilet for the diarrhoea and (mostly) into a bowl for vomiting. Hoping for a miracle of both sleeping through tonight and for the love of fucking god that Alyssa sleeps past 6am!!!
I was in the widows group the other day and another widow actually mentioned she was looking back and said they all got sick loads the first year and not the second, and realised it was due to the intense grief and stress. And I fully believe that’s why the kids are so sick this past 6 months since Dan passed. Their little immune systems have been lowered due to the stress and grief of loosing their Daddy, breaks by fucking hearts and obviously makes this SO MUCH HARDER, but also knowing it won’t always be like this helps too. I mean my kids have literally NEVER been sick in Summer, other than maybe a sniffle. So, I just do my best and continue to try keep them hydrated, rested, boosted with good nutrition and supplements – as well as myself. I need more sleep and rest than I’m getting but I do what I can cos its out of my control. Really fucking hoping our immune systems are stronger by April when mum and dad go away for 6 weeks!!!
Right now my focus is getting us all better then preparing Dylan for school and figuring out all the paperwork for Alyssa as I have to move her back to 3 days at one carer down to two at the other, update winz and the childcare subsidy, then a week later file more paperwork for the ece 20 hours as she turns 3. Also she turns 3 in like just over a month wtf? Am I supposed to have a party? I cant be fucked having a big thing. I’m tired man. But shes so little and Dylan had one, she’ll likely want one too. I dunno. Im getting a bit ahead of myself as starting school is so big and new and im worried about Dylans separation anxiety and also just the fact I have 0 clue about how schools run and what i’m supposed to be doing. January is going so fast. This week as long as the kids aren’t off care I can try tick a bunch of stuff off the to-do list like wash Dylans uniform and figure out how to label it. Same with his stationary which I have received. Mum got him a new school bag. Also need to label his drink bottle and lunchbox I suppose – gotta figure out how to do that! If I can tick a few organizational things off the list, as well as the usual groceries, housework etc this week, selfcare this weekend if mum and dad take the kids then next week I am getting more work done on my sleeve as Ness is down from Welly for a few days, then Spirit fest on the Friday which I am so looking forward to. Cacao, nature, sunshine, healing, workshops, I have 0 worries about going alone.
Then the week after is the last full week before Dylan starts school. I’ve got the dentist one day but trying to keep it free as i’m going to get less time during the day to do everything once Dylan starts school, so kind of trying to do a bunch of things before he starts – whether that happens or not is another story!
I’ve been getting caught up in my head about the future at the moment so I know I need to take a moment and reset and get back to living very very intentionally in the present. So, right now, I am going to get groceries, then ill decide what’s next when that is done and not a minute before.
It’s in these moment when things get so full on, that i need to drop off anything and everything, including extra health and wellness stuff, that doesn’t matter for now, and pick up more when i feel able. i hope you do the same when life gets full on for you.