Showing up & trying no matter what that looks like is EVERYTHING
19/02/24
It was Alyssa’s first birthday without her daddy this past week. All the firsts suck dick, but also so will the seconds, and thirds and, well, forever. Each time there is a milestone with me or the kids I will think of Dan, I’ll think of how proud of me/them he’ll be, I’ll imagine what he’d say or do, and I try allow that to make me smile and feel the love he had for us, not drown in the unfairness and shitty-ness of it all.
Alyssa’s birthday was Wednesday, Dad and I put up her big girl bed and we got Hell Pizza for tea – her request. The first two nights in her big girl bed were a bit shit but the last 3 have actually been ok – TOUCH WOOD! I am hoping this is the ner normal and it continues. (spoiler it doesn’t!) Except last=night I woke to her full on crying as if she’d been hurt – and she had. She somehow had gotten down to the end of her bed and fallen off and got stuck between the bed and a little toy box that has her dolls in it, I picked her up off the floor, made sure she was ok and calmed her down, put her back in bed and said to stay by the pillow, but then I wasn’t sure if she’d go back to sleep as it was 4am so I couldn’t bloody sleep, but she must have cos I didn’t hear a peep again till 630ish. I am trying to get the kids to stay and play quietly in their room/bed until their clock goes yellow at 7am but not having success, however it is kinda cute as they (mostly) leave me alone and play with each-other going back and forth to their bedrooms, just wakes me up and they came in to whinge about something about 650am. Could be worse, could be better! We put Dylans bed up Friday so think they are just enjoying the novelty of their new “big” beds.
My grief was intense as fuck and I reached a point of near breakdown last week, then after talking to a friend, loving on myself all of a sudden my energy and mood just shifted. Its fucking trippy, like I feel like i’m bipolar or something, down for days in mood, energy and hopelessness, drowning in the anger, rage, unfairness, loneliness, grief etc then BOOM I feel like i’m ok, like I will make it through this early grief hell, that I will find love and joy again, that me kids will be ok, that I will thrive and feel safe and energetic in my body again. I just have to ride whatever wave the grief throws at me, try keep my head above water and love on myself so hard. Reach out for help and support if I need it etc
I got choked up again bringing Alyssa’s birthday cake out to her yesterday at her party and singing happy birthday, it still just feels so wrong and empty without Dan, without her Daddy. But the kids had a great day, the bouncy castle was huge. Alyssa got some lovely presents and they enjoyed some snacks and cake. I made the cake and I thought it was ok but it was probably not sweet enough for my friends not used to my healthy living eating lol. My friends two year old poo pooed it haha. I TRIED MY BEST TO INCLUDE Dan and lit a candle on his altar. Nothing will ever be ok or the same as him physically being there but what can you do right?
This journey is just so intense and full on and all I can do is allow myself to be where i’m at. And for you reading this between the lines, this goes for you and whatever you’re going through. Allow yourself ot be ok with where you’re at, change things you can, be ok with the things you cant. change – you don’t have to fully accept them. Like I cannot fully accept Dan’s gone, but I can accept it enough that it doesn’t cause me pain and suffering. At the end of the day the situation I am in is shitty enough without my shitty mindsets and habits creating more pain and suffering for me.
We are often our own worst enemies, drowning in our heads about what ifs, the victim mode on repeat, its not fair, the anger and rage, the feeling hard done by, the thinking everyone else gets a free pass or gets it better than me. This is the cards i’ve been dealt and the choice everyday is to own it, be authenitc as fuck, grow, evolve, love myself, be open minded and curious to what this is teaching me, learn how to ride the waves better each time etc or I can just let go, drown, die. After all when it comes down to it there are only two options right? Go top yourself and not have to deal with your life, or fucking deal with it – whether you think you’re doing well at it or not is irrelevant, because showing up and trying no matter what that looks like is EVERYTHING.
So now I am having a slow morning of a bit of me time, housework then to the school to meet the principal after a bunch of incidents and things happening in the 12 days Dylan has been at school. Another thing I have to navigate alone. Another thing I have to deal with that is a big beast not really within my ability to control (the school system) but your goddam right I will speak my truth and have my say, whether it changes anything or not I have to just wait and see, but so far i’m not ok with how school has been going. However the good thing is that Dylan himself is enjoying it and that is obviously number one. While hes been hit and kicked etc I don’t think hes being targeted and bullied, which is a whole different thing and could certainly affect him wanting to go to school, but the hitting and kicking still needs to be addressed, I mean imagine if the school staff hit and kicked eachother – the principal would deal with that right? So why not when the kids do it? Why am I not being told other than by my 5 year old? Anyway I need some chill time before that, then Mums picking Alyssa up so I can take Dylan to his first session with the child grief speciality lady thing, no idea how that will go or if it will help him, but gotta at least try things.
May you feel safe to speak your truth, stand up for you and your kids, love yourself through the ups and downs and learn the many lessons to grow and evolve on this (messy) human journey. xx