Shits got hard again
17/1/23
Shits got hard again. And when its hard its, sitting in the car crying hard. It’s feeling SO lost, lonely and isolated hard. It’s feeling like I’ve got no-one to talk to, know one that understands. Things were going ok then just big emotions from everyone, lack of sleep, same old arguments, underlying fears, emotions and anxiety come out and it’s a mess.
But guess what? The kids pick up on our emotions, so I have 1.5 hours to get my shit together before I pick the kids up. I’m done for the day, the emotional hangover has made me so physically tired, but of course there’s still dinner to cook, kids to bath etc and also a basket of wet washing to hang up and dishes on the bench. Sigh.
I wish I could skip the shit parts but I can’t and that’s where I’ll learn. Learn more about me, about Dan, about the kids, and do it differently next time- right? Yet the problem is this is unchartered territory and sometimes I just don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know what to do, what to say.
I often have to push past my own feelings of fear and anxiety and stress, to appear calm for the kids and Dan when he’s struggling.
Everything is unknown, the biggest unknown ever, We have no idea if things are improving inside Dan, he reckons the tumor is getting bigger and we’ve got no idea if that’s true. It could be the fact he’s getting smaller, It could be a get bigger before it gets smaller thing, it could be just his fears playing tricks on him – who knows!
But, life goes on. Kids need looked after and we just have to keep going, one step forward at a time.
Sometimes I get stuck in all the worst case scenarios and part of me wants to just wallow there and not put my positive pants back on. Part of me is a lost, lonely, misunderstood little girl who needs a cuddle, hard.
I don’t know what i’m doing.
I don’t know what to say to Dan half the time when he shares things with me, or if we have an argument or something – it’s different, I feel like I have to suck it up and be the bigger person, reduce the stress, because he’s the one with Cancer.
There is a lot of physical. Mental and emotional pressure, and yes a lot is coming from me, but who else is there to reduce the household stress?
I don’t have any answers right now, but i’m going to just allow myself to have all these thoughts and feelings, without needing to instantly “fix” them.