Shit got Dark

Well, the last few weeks have been HELL. Shit. Got. Dark. Things were ok then Dan went on a healing Journey and was exhausted after (which is normal) but while still recovering from that he got his first cold since his diagnosis, and he was basically bed bound, unable to do anything for a week, then VERY slowly starting to be able to do a bit here and there around the house and with the kids, I also got a cold at the same time, Alyssa was feverish for a day in there too, and it was just a mess. I didn’t sleep for about a week (not even joking, insomnia is straight HELL), and then I injured my head a few days ago on the corner of an open window. Blood everywhere and I still feel a bit dizzy and spacy, and obviously it hurts! I’ll be honest, my thoughts got a bit dark there too, with everything going on there I really got consumed with fear that Dan was going to be leaving us sooner, rather than later. I had to really go SLOW, be present, take each moment as it came, ask for and accept help, cry, allow myself to be vulnerable and seen, face my fears, alongside really DEEP realizations about how I want to live my life, how I want to BE, what I will and wont tolerate, how I wanna run my business etc. I think i’ve been ignoring the fact that I just cant run my business like I want to. I just don’t have the space for 1-1 clients, my brain is full with the mental load of this cancer journey, and simply taking care of the kids, the house, Dan and myself in there too. That’s already too much sometimes as I have limited support.

We are also trying to find more support like a cleaner once a week etc but the system is fucked and its like getting blood out of a stone it will take us weeks, possibly months to actually get something, if we are even able to. There’s literally more help out there for injured people than people with cancer. We are also short for all our basic bills, let alone money to pay for supplements, treatments and appointments for Dans journey and it’s so hard to continuously ask people for help, whether it be financial or physical with the kids, cleaning etc. I also then feel bad with the cyclone and people loosing their entire houses, but unfortunately it doesn’t make Dans cancer go away or change our situation! Long-term I guess we are going to have to rely on our Families, hopefully strangers and friends, colleagues, acquaintances alike will still help and donate when they can.

Finding myself in such a dark place this past few weeks was full on, facing like the deepest, darkest parts of myself. I mean I know everyone dies, but you don’t think you have to face your partner dying at the age of 37 with a 2 and 4 year old. This wasn’t my plan, my plan was to get married, have kids and grow old together, travel and die of old age. But you know, life doesn’t always go to plan. So we change and we adapt.

I am human and I refuse to subscribe to having to be ok ALL the time. NO. My partner has fucking Cancer bruv, I’m not ok. But also, I cannot STAY in the dark, because that is not a life I want to live, that is not how I wanna be around my kids or Dan. Im here to LIVE and that means making the most of each day. Is Dan alive today? Yep so let’s LIVE! Taking each day as it comes, knowing a lot of people are living VERY different lives just going through the motions, while we show up everyday trying to keep Dan alive so he can grow old with me and watch our kids grow. I know he is so looking forward to finally going home to the UK and seeing his Family and Friends. His sister is getting married while we’re there and he’s booked us a holiday where we will be leaving the kids with his Mum for a few nights, and despite me feeling nervous about that my god do we NEED that holiday.

Getting really honest about where I’m at and my capacity for taking on anything else is KEY, I need to be able to show up for me, Dan and the kids and I simply just cannot work right now. If the kids were older, maybe, but not the age they are and the state Dan is in. often Cancer patients don’t even feel sick or have any pain, but unfortuanely this is not the case for Dan, the other struggle is my insomnia as Dan does nights, but he really cant, yet if I do it, I simply cant sleep. People don’t understand just how debilitating insomnia is and how much we need to be able to sleep to function, let alone fulltime care for a household.

So, I feel a big pressure to somehow finally ‘HEAL’ my insomnia. So im on a healing mission too. I need to be able to sleep so Dan can rest and not do any nights, and so if the worst case happens and I do become a single Mum at some stage I can actually sleep and be able to function and be a good mum. I NEED to be able to sleep! But fuck me, ive been trying for 20 YEARS to somehow heal this insomnia. I just have to keep going and trying new things, I need to find a modality or person that can help me find and heal the ROOT CAUSE, taking medication or whatever is not a cure. I need it gone, properly.

And it’s a huge journey, but im trying not to stress about it as that’s counterproductive.

Anyway, Dan is slowly able to do more and have a bit more energy, its such a huge transition for me to have to do everything as hes usually a very hands on dad. He’s started a new treatment of injecting Mistletoe which is meant to be good, hes only done it once and its caused a reaction (which is normal) but we’re unsure if the reaction is meant to be as big as it is, he’s due for his next shot (which he does himself at home) tomorrow. We’ve kind of run out of modalities to try now, maybe one more, then we need to figure out which ones to continue, how much and how often so we can create a budget and know what the ongoing costs will be for that. We are still waiting for test results back to see what else is going on in his body to then formulate a final supplement plan with costs etc then from there we’ll have a full picture of onoing costs and know how much we need each week/month – while still trying to get WINZ to re-evaluate our income so we can cover the basic costs with that, otherwise any donations from give a little go towards our basic living and his cancer treatment, whereas, wouldn’t be great if winz covered ALL the basics *not just rent, power and food) and the give a little was just for cancer treatment. There’s just so many fucking avenues and things to consider. I have to remind myself we are only three months into this and it’s ok if its still a bit messy and all over the place!