Kids Feel Grief too

28/7/23

This week has been so emotional, here’s thinking I was making some progress on not being so heavily grief stricken, I mean I physically feel a bit lighter and calmer, probably due to the work I’ve been doing to take care of my mind, body and soul, but fuck, the emotions and feelings, and thoughts have been INTENSE.

Dylan has clearly been holding in a lot of grief, obviously he has idea what’s happening in his poor body and mind. I purchased a book that was recommended called “Old Hu-Hu” about a Huhu grub who dies and a little huhu who searches for where he’s “gone”. He kept wanting to read it and would look through the pictures and ask me questions. Then the other night he lay face down on the couch and I knew something was off, I asked if he was ok and he said he was sad. I told him it was ok to be sad and I put Alyssa to bed. When I came back he was crying.

I scooped him up and held him.

I told him it’s ok to be sad.

I told him I was sad too.

I told him it’s ok to miss Daddy.

I told him it’s really unfair that Daddy got sick and passed away.

After each thing I told him his little head nodded.

Then the tears REALLY flowed and I could feel his little body wracking beneath me.

Then my tears flowed.

It is FUCKING HARD to hold space for my own child to go through such a horrific thing at such a young age, while I am also grieving and all kinds of fucked up too.

I told him he was strong.

I told him he was brave.

I told him I was very proud of him.

This is the first time he’s openly cried due to grief – just over a month after Dan passed away.

It seems to be really hitting him now that this is FOREVER – the exact question he asked me the other day. “Is Daddy dead forever?” Yes. Do you know how hard it is to try and calmly answer these questions?

I don’t get an out on this, it’s all on me. It’s just me and the kids and I have to do it all for them, while trying my best to look after me too.