Its not lost on me that my passion & job is to normalize feeling your feelings & emotions, normalise taboo & stigmatized topics & I get thrown this whammy..
25/12/23
Its 644pm on the first Christmas day without Dan here. I’m all over the place. My brain feels Overwhelmed and overloaded. We arrived to my parents house yesterday and as I wandered around looking at Mums decorations (she goes hard lol) I saw on a table she had a candle and picture frame with photos of Dan and me and the kids and I just balled and cried in Mums arms. The kids were a bit like wtf but I just needed to get it all out. I think the lead up to Christmas is (and other big anniversaries and events) can often be worse than the day itself. I was keeping it together through the week, wrapping presents, focusing on the kids and when I saw that I just balled. It just feels so wrong to “celebrate” Christmas without Dan, we are meant to be a Family yet a huge part of my little Family is gone - forever. Its not just this Christmas its all Christmases going forward where his presence will be missed by me and the kids. Of course they are so young and were just super excited about presents so they haven’t shown signs of grief. But I feel it, I carry it. I feel kinda numb and empty, like something HUGE is missing because it is!!! You cant pretend it isn’t. there’s just this silence that to me is so loud and deafening. He was such a huge and active part of our family, he helped with everything in all aspects of being a partner, parent and running a household and to have that gone is just so fucking life-changing and huge.
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