It's NORMAL to feel the light & the dark & they can be felt AT THE SAME TIME

23/5/24

I am SO aware that the countdown is on to Dans one year anniversary. I had so many plans for making books for the kids, one of his life, a recipe book, solid tangible things we can have and keep forever, but the procrastination is real and this one year has crept up on me. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself. I have decided I’m going to focus on making a picture book each for the kids to give to them on daddys birthday, I think they are too young to be acknowledging his “death day” I will do something by myself that day to acknowledge Dan but the day before is his birthday and I will do something with the kids and give them the books. I have started compiling the photos in a folder and fucking hell it hurts, that’s the procrastination for all these things because I know its going to dredge up PAIN, suffering, grief and big shitty feelings in my body. But we all have to face pain don’t we? I can’t escape it so I be gentle with myself and go slow as I move through these things. It still often feels like some kind of alternate reality. Like I have this 7 years of my life that im questioning did this even happen? It’s just really fucking hard to describe how it feels to loose your life partner and kids father so quickly to cancer and make sense of it all, move forward with life, process all the emotions and traumas, its fucking messy and no doubt will continue to be. I’m looking at his photos and videos and it just brings up all those feelings of why him? he didn’t deserve that. Then like deeper questions of where is he? And how fucked it is that someone can be by your side for 7 years then all of a sudden  GONE poof into thin air. It’s a FUCKING TRIP. But I refuse to fuck myself up trying to make sense of something that is impossible to make sense of.