It’s a dance of this new life I get to curate for myself that was thrust upon me without choice

20/10/23

Despite still struggling with the physical and mental affects of grief, overwhelm, overstimulation, can’t think clearly, shit memory, dysregulated nervous system, I also feel like I’m making progress on feeling more centered, less heavy. I feel like I have a bit more energy, and I can laugh, and look forward to things, and I can find joy in my day to day, as well as trusting the future can bring me joy, even though I know I (and the kids) will miss and grieve Dan forever. It’s a dance of this new life I get to curate for myself that was thrust upon me without choice, and figuring out how Dan will be a part of it without physically being here, I mean, it’s not as though I will stop talking about him because the kids will want to, and I want them to feel comfortable talking  about him whenever they want. The weird thing for me will be how I see Dan, for the kids its straight forward – he is/was their dad. For me, I guess I will look back at him as like an ex partner at some stage (but also not cos we never broke up!), after all, a fellow Widow said to me recently, how can I be in love with a man I haven’t seen or talked to for 3 years? It’s a mindfuck for sure, but something I will have to go through, because I don’t want to be alone, nor would Dan want me to be. I am still figuring out how I feel about it all, with no pressure, and an open mind, but also knowing what I do and don’t want!