Isn’t that why we’re here? To see how bright we can shine? To see how US we can be?
13/12/23
I guess part of me wishes things could be more consistent and steady NOW. Because I know it will serve both me and the kids. But, the reality is, with two kids under 5, it can’t be. Its unpredictable, it’s loving chaos, its relentless, if its not one it’s the other, its full on, its tears and tantrums, its fighting and injuries, its bad dreams and separation anxiety and not feeling well. Its constant. Physically, mentally and emotionally raising the kids and running the household alone is already overwhelming me in the fragile state I am in, so how can I expect to add anything else in there? Dating, working. I cant. I HAVE to focus on me and the kids. I just have to. I simply do not want to look back on this time and say I pushed myself too hard, too fast. I cant. I wont. These moments matter to the kids, their youth directly impacts their adult life and while i’m obviously not where I want to be, I can damn well make sure that I am doing everything in my power to be able to be the best version of me that I can be right now. What means more to me right now? Regulating my nervous system as much as I can so I don’t yell at the kids daily. Rather than loosing my baby belly, or dating, or being more social, or starting my business up again. No. it doesn’t matter. I matter. My kids matter. This is the way it has to be right now.
As humans we get caught up in the what;s next? We get caught up in the I want to be here and I want to be here INSTANTLY. I do too, but I am self-aware enough to know that’s bullshit. There is no skipping the hard parts, there is no fast forward button. So, be present and deal with what comes up in each moment as it happens or just fight within yourself, be a victim and whinge – and still have to be where you’re at. Don’t get me wrong there’s many things you can do to make things easier on yourself and make the hard parts easier, the transition quicker, but that still involves tons of hard work and consistency, awareness, discipline etc I can’t MAKE the grief go away as much as that would make things easier for me, but I also know and (begrudgingly admit) that there is no growth in meh, in easy, in coasting, in everything being the same, familiar etc I KNOW I am here for BIG things, what they are I don’t know yet. When it’ll happen I don’t know. What I DO know is that everything I am going through and that I will go through in the future is allowing me to drop more and more walls, to sink deeper into my authenticity un-apologetically and loudly, to embody what I love and preach and teach so deeply its ingrained in my every day life, and finally to shine my light as bright as it can possibly shine in this life. Isn’t that why we’re here? To see how bright we can shine? To see how US we can be? And that’s a fucking sexy and powerful thing in a world that shapes us from birth to be a mould to and puppet to do what those in power want us to do, be sick and miserable and buy our remedies/products etc. Not me. Not my kids. And I know the ripple effect it can have by showing people another way, to question, to discern, to tune into your intuition, and follow it! To believe in YOU not someone with money or a title. To dare to live as your mind, body and soul KNOWS it want to – not how they tell you to, not how your Mum or spouse thinks you should. Not how the majority of people do. How YOU fucking want to, cos this is YOUR life, do you really wanna do what you’re told even though you don’t agree with it and then die? Didn’t think so.
So, slowly and surely you step up, you step out, you be more you and you realise its safe to be you, you realise there’s others on this path too and you connect with them. Oh the bliss, the liberation, the empowerment the FREEDOM! Now that’s LIVING.
So, while this wasn’t the path id hoped for, or want even as i’m in it, It is my reality and I choose everyday (yes sometimes begrudgingly) to show up and fucking own it in MY way, because even though some days my mind wants to give up, give in to the victim, fall down the hole of depression, grief, sadness and loneliness, unfairness and endless “whys” I know it wont serve me, I know it wont feel good, I know it wont help me grow, evolve and shine my light fucking bright.
Right well that’s my download for today haha I just sit and whatever comes out comes out and I never edit it, trusting that’s what needs to come out today and those of you that read thus post will get something from it.