If I cant see and hear myself, validate myself & have that be ENOUGH, I will forever be chasing validation...
13/11/23
I’m going to be super honest here (as usual) and share things I know that others feel, I know that others feel shame about (because I do too) because I just know that me sharing such real, raw and deep truths about this grief & human journey is part of my purpose. By being so openly HUMAN, I allow others to feel safe to be a FULL human living in the duality of the light and the dark.
So, I have been exploring my Victim story with my Mentor and on my own of course. While I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started, or why, my best guess is going back to childhood. I just never felt seen or heard. I never felt accepted as I was. I felt like my thoughts, opinions, feelings and emotions were constantly ignored, dismissed or literally told they were “wrong” in some form. So, I guess this caused me to think and feel several things – insecure, like there was something wrong with me for feeling, thinking, being the way I was. Unsafe, unsafe to be me. So, I had to learn to “be quiet” to not have an opinion, to not be too “big” with my feelings and emotions, to “act a certain way” which as I know now, had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with the people around me who were unable to regulate and deal with their own emotions and feelings. It’s easier to shut me down than deal with their own shit, right? And we see this generation through generation and I am 100% here to stop that in my line!! Anyway, of course along this journey I felt hard done by. Angry, frustrated. Why can’t you let me be me? Why cant I do/be/say/dress/talk how I want? So this narrative turned into “shit happens to me often” and your thoughts reflect your reality right? Think about a blue car and you’ll see a blue car in your mind and everywhere in reality. Tell myself over and over that life sux and shit will keep going wrong and it will, because my mind will literally find a way to confirm it (confirmation bias) ego: “see, I told you it wouldn’t work out Sarah!” it gets exhausting, cos you’re just waiting for the good thing to turn to shit – can anyone else relate?
So this victim mindset runs DEEP. Its ingrained in my personality – however, from all the work I have done on myself over the years I know that it can be changed, and I already have changed it. However it is like an onion, I continue to peel back layers, I haven’t got to the centre of the onion yet. I think there is such wisdom and beauty in sharing one of my personal journeys of shifting such a huge mindset – because then you can truly see how it’s done (no quick “hack”). I have personally shifted A LOT of mindsets and limiting beliefs that no longer served me, however this victim one has been the trickiest – like the weed that just keep coming back! So, of course the universe served me up the cuntiest shit to have to journey through and come face to face with this story again. One part of this journey of victimhood is the story underneath it, going back to childhood of just wanting to be seen and heard. I want to be seen and heard in my victim story so my ego can feel validated. There I said it. Cue shame, but actually I don’t feel any shame around this, I did, but I don’t now (otherwise I wouldn’t share it publicly!). My ego is NOT who I am. My past is NOT who I am, my “stories” are NOT who I am. I get to choose and live and breathe and embody who I am in every moment. I don’t want to continue to be a victim, I don’t want to rely on others validation to feel the way I do, I don’t want to rely on others seeing and hearing me to feel like its ok to feel/be the way I am in that moment. I don’t want to rely on anyone else. It all comes back to ME as cliché as that is, its fucking true, if I cant see and hear myself, validate myself and have that be ENOUGH, I will forever be chasing validation and acceptance of my feelings etc and fuck that shit.
So, its learning to be ok with not being seen and heard (knowing seeing and hearing myself is enough and anyone else who does is a bonus!), it’s learning to be ok with being misunderstood, its learning to be ok with shit happening and not having to have people feel sorry for me, its learning to be ok with shit happening and me struggling on my own, drowning in layers of shit and quietly just showing up and getting through and doing it – the unseen work that will never be validated. Honestly it feels so freeing to share this with you all.
I release and let go of my victim mindset.
I will show up and I will share the truth, the good the bad and the ugly, i’ll share how I feel, but its not to feel validated, seen or heard, its because I enjoy writing and getting out my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and its because goddamit I KNOW people can learn about themselves through me sharing my journey.
I don’t need to spell out literally what ever minute of my day looks like as a young widow with two young kids, I just need to get on with LIVING it, because this IS my life.
So, that’s what I wanted to share today. It can be hard not to feel like a victim, especially as a Woman however it is another prison of our mind that I am determined to be free of.