I WILL shine my light and help others turn theirs on.

7/12/23

I’m so tired. Just drained and exhausted. Dealing with such big feelings & emotions all day, everyday is exhausting, add in sleep deprivation from kids & just the general relentlessness of running a house and parenting two kids alone – it makes sense I’m exhausted. I obviously don’t want this to be my reality. I want to feel energised, empowered, free, happy, motivated, but right now, I can’t force that to happen. Grief has it’s own timeline and while the kids are still so young and full on, it’s just going to be messy and exhausting and I wont be able to thrive just yet – and I need to be ok with that! I know I’ll look back at this years down the line, and go how the fuck did I do that? But this is me, here, in real time, doing it. Is it it messy and hard and a struggle? Yep, but I show up every damn day and I face it all head-on. I read a post in a widows group the other day that said we basically get re-traumatised by our grief each day. Each day we wake up and go, oh yeah, Dan died, hes gone, it’s just me now and our kids, that happened, this is real, like every morning the grief comes rushing back. That’s what widows live with. I continue to have people tell me they understand because they’ve lost a parent. They don’t understand and they never will. Im not trying to be a cunt but its NOT the same. Are they grieving? Hell yes. I will be a fucking mess when my parents pass. But loosing your life partner, the father of your kids when you are 38 is different to loosing a parent. Your parents are not intricately intertwined in EVERY single aspect of your life, they aren’t your life. Dan WAS my life, we did life together, we were our own family, our love made two kids that we were raising, his death impacts EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY LIFE, if your parents pass, you still have your kids, your husband or wife, your friends, your job, your finances etc your DAILY life remains the same except you don’t see your parents however often you saw them, or message them however often you messaged them. I really hope people understand the difference here because it is immense. And this is NOT to take away from their grief, but can we stop comparing things that aren’t the same and saying “I understand” its impossible to understand unless you are a widow too. And even then many widows cam from very different backgrounds, many did not have a good husband, abusive, narcissistic etc and were planning to leave then they died, all of the scenarios you can think of, but for me, we were in love, we were building a future together, we had plans. Im still in love with him. Its so intricate and nuanced. But please don’t tell me you know how I feel unless you lost your life partner young too. There’s a difference between that an empathising. We have to be so careful with our words and as a Widow and Coach I do my best to be aware of what I am saying and not say I understand something that I don’t.

I feel really tired and blah and heavy and I am just trying to be really gentle with myself, I think the month of December is just going to be hard in general. You cant escape Christmas, and it just kind of amplifies my loss and feelings. Dylan is struggling again with separation anxiety and is generally being full on next level little boy. Alyssa is also being challenging and with both of them being so full on and challenging now its taking all my energy, whatever is left over goes to the running of the house then into selfcare for me. I cant help feeling guilty for not being the Mum I want to be with the kids, but also giving myself so much grace because i’m literally in survival mode and I make the effort to always repair if I end up yelling or getting overwhelmed etc and I have to hope its enough not to affect them too much. I think that’s one reason why I wish the grief brain would fuck off ASAP, so I can be a better Mum. But that’s not in my control and everyday I have to focus on pushing through the overwhelm, overstimulation and sleep deprivation to be the best version I can be that day. I simply don’t have the mental capacity for anything else right now, my life needs to be SO simple. I wish people talked more about how grief literally changes your brain. I’m literally not the person I was, and sitting in this fucked up limbo of if my brain will ever be the same. I know I will never be the same version of me due to my profound, life-changing loss, but will my brain function normally again? Right now there is simply no way I could see clients for energy and sound healing, I could do coaching, but that’s it, anything else is just too much for my brain. It does feel a bit odd having to try and slow my life down so much and not work etc when ive worked fulltime since I was 17 and then worked and been a mum for the past 5 years – and that was WITH a partner, now ive gotta do it without.

I also realise how vulnerable I feel, theres a sense of safety having a man in the house. I feel like I need to be wary of giving people my address, letting people know im a widow with two young kids, more vigilant at checking ive locked all doors and windows, and that makes me sad. But im it and I will do whatever it takes to protect my babies. So, as I muddle my way through this time of year for the first time, I do so with honesty, grace and compassion for myself and for those of you also navigating grief at Christmas. Lets not downplay how we feel. Lets be ok with how we feel. Lets ask for help and support – even though its hard and we may feel guilty after like 100% of you said you did on my Instagram poll. I may feel bad or guilty for continuously asking for help, but ill keep asking and I will not dwell in those feelings because my need for help overrides me feeling bad for asking – they’d say no if they couldn’t help. I allow others to choose to help or not.

I pulled some cards the other day and they all basically alluded to me being on a journey which will transform soon (another unknown of course as to when) this pain is for a purpose of which I don’t know yet. This journey is taking me somewhere profound of which I cant comprehend yet, to trust the journey, to just go along for the ride, trust the process. So each day I work on surrendering to the biggest and longest unknowns ive ever faced. This is the next level of the mindset game, being ok with feeling out of control, learning how to be present in a life that is so unknown and full on and exhausting and relentless and big feelings and emotions and my body and mind changed and life changed, learning how to not letting the anxiety and stress and feelings of “out of control” take over and learning to trust and flow with life, KNOWING I am being looked after and it will all work out better than I can have imagined. I mean will Dan be alive again? No. but that doesn’t mean my life cant be magical and happy and great. I have to trust ill meet him again in another life and that he is guiding me in this one, I have to. Believing in whatever works for you on a grief journey is imperative or you can get lost and sink deeper into darkness. Anytime I feel like im sinking, I claw at the ground and drag my ass back to the light, for me, for my babies and because I KNOW I can learn so much through this journey and pass that on to others. I WILL shine my light and help others turn theirs on.