I miss being loved
6/3/24
Honestly – I am the most insanely lonely I have ever felt. (edit in real time - un-beknown to me my loneliness was about to change if you’ve read my latest Instagram post!!) Not only am I grieving the most heartbreaking, mentally, emotionally and physically debilitating grief I have ever experienced, i’m by myself or with two young kids all the time. I see an adult for an actual proper catchup once a week if i’m lucky sometimes once a fortnight. I might chat online or voice message friends but I have only a handful of close mates and they are always busy/working/with their own little family etc and its just guts me. It’s not about being single its about being alone like fucking constantly all the time. When I was last single I was working a social job talking to different people all day, I went to events, I went out at night to parties and met lots of people and of course hooked up along the way, while I hoped I found the one for me. This time i’m just stuck at home with the kids, out trying to entertain the kids, doing housework or getting groceries, doing self-care or appointments for myself or the kids, and then on the odd occasion things will align and I can meet a friend for a coffee or lunch. You realise how much humans need other humans for connection, talking online just isn’t the same.
I miss being loved, I miss being touched and comforted by someone who loves me so deeply. I don’t remember the last time Dan and I were intimate but I’d say it’s been over a year now since I have been intimate with a man in any kind of way and i’m not gonna lie and say I don’t feel some kind of way about that. I’m torn between going out and “having some fun” because I actually can and maybe it would be nice to before I meet my forever guy? But then another part of me is like wouldn’t it be so special and romantic if the next guy I was intimate was the guy I spend the rest of my life with? Overthinking and thinking of all the different scenarios of course – and so I do nothing and get paralysed by indecision. Also I hate dating apps and my experience on them just perpetuates that which I shared in a reel on my social media. So many guys swipe on me then never actually message me or message me a few times then just ghost or are just knobs or after sex and I un-match. I’ve put that I just want to make friends and they can’t even do that! Its really sad.
So, i’m having a little moment of feeling very lonely. It is going to take a special kind of guy to take on board my kids fulltime and my grief – however I know there is men out there that will do that because they will fall in love with me and want to be with me no matter what baggage I bring with me. I know a man won’t make everything shit go away, it wont solve all my problems so I am trying to be aware of whether i’m actually ready to date or if i’m just lonely, horny and trying to fill a void – another reason I haven’t done anything yet. It’s all very messy and complicated. I think I get caught up in how hard it is as I can’t even go out at night to go on a date, in the weekends i’ll have my kids, i’m getting so many men without kids swipe on me and i’m like are you actually open to the reality of this life? I don’t want to waste my time but also I wonder if I can just try and enjoy meeting new people and going on dates – even just to have some adult conversation. But I haven’t been out with anyone since that one and only date!
I don’t want to go on all the awkward dates for years before I find the man for me – but guess what? I fucking have to don’t I? None of us get to skip the awkward and shitty parts to get to the end where its all good. I don’t get to skip this shitty grief that’s all consuming, I don’t get to skip dating and even potentially being in a relationship or two and breaking up before I find my forever guy. I have to just let go of the control, of wanting to be in that happy place and try find the joy in whatever moment I am in, whatever awkward stage I am in.
I introduced a sticker chart yesterday for the kids bedtime (I couldn’t just do it for A or D would get upset of course) in a last ditch effort to get Alyssa to stay in her bed at bedtime. And it didn’t work. She got up twice at bedtime (which is actually better) and then twice through the night. Dylan did well and got his sticker but Alyssa of course was VERY upset she didn’t get hers and I felt SO BAD but I know I have to be consistent and stand by what I say that she only gets one if she STAYS IN HER BED! I’m not too worried about middle of the night wakeups as if she’s cold or has a bad dream, same with Dylan that’s different but its mainly the initial bed time getting her to stay in her bed, read some books if she wants but stay in her bed then go to sleep when she’s ready. I really fucking hope it starts to work soon as mum and dads 6 week holiday is looming in a month!
Dylan had his first session alone with his grief therapist and he did well, I popped down to the mall around the corner and got us a treat and I got super emotional to be honest. I hate he’s in so much pain and dealing with such immense grief at the age of fucking 5. It kills me and causes me physical pain and tears thinking about how he has to grow up without his daddy and how desperately he wants his daddy or any kind of father figure (grandad isn’t the same). After every session when we get home he is always so dysregulated and throws big tantrums and cries and its so hard as I feel torn in so many directions, insanely overwhelmed and overstimulated as I have to somehow try calm him, be present with Alyssa, unpack their bags, cook dinner, pull the curtains, get them bath and pjs – all within 45 minutes of being home as we often don’t get home till after 5. I don’t know if this is going to help him or not as its mostly been him doing art and talking about random stuff with literally maybe two minutes each session talking about Dan when it comes up organically in conversation. I just keep telling myself as long as he feels safe to express himself and talk about whatever he wants to talk about, ask whatever he wants to ask then what more can I do? I just have to be there to comfort him.
The different ways that grief touches literally every area of my life are insane. I haven’t heard from Dans family and frankly I am probably grieving that too. I guess it’s easy to pretend we don’t exist or not make any effort when we are on the other side of the world. It just breaks my heart more for the kids and is another thing I just can’t understand, you’d think they’d want to keep that connection of Dan alive – the kids he made and gave life too! Honestly sometimes it hurts too much to even talk about.
Reminding myself that there is no timeline for being “better” in regards to my grief, that everything i’m feeling is hard but NORMAL and I don’t HAVE to “fix” it or make it go away, there’s so much growth and power in sitting in this and just feeling it all. Allowing myself to sit in this café surrounded by people I don’t talk to who are with other people and just sinking into the loneliness. I’m seeing so many dads with their kids lately and it hurts, but again I also don’t want to be a victim. It’s this fine line of sitting in this but not taking it personally and dwelling on it. Motivating myself to get up and go do things for the house, for me. What a fucking ride life is!