I know you want me to feel the Peace that you do

20/7/23

Things are still very much all over the place for me, I still feel heavy and well, depressed, tired and exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. But, I also feel a little lighter, ever so slightly. Like, I guess I am starting to accept this reality, because I have to right? It’s happened. I can’t change it. Fighting what is, hating it, being angry all the time, hating my life, it won’t change what’s happened and it will make me miserable and a shit Mum to be around. I know for a FACT that Dan would NOT want me to suffer and live a shell of a life as a shell of a person. Making him proud and continuing with my healthy lifestyle and big dreams is what drives me, knowing he’d want me to be healthy, happy and well – mind, body and soul.

Does this mean I won’t allow myself to wallow sometimes, hell no. I feel it all baby and honestly this is the first week I haven’t HAD to do anything by a certain time and I have had to FORCE myself to do NOTHING. I’ve been going going going since his diagnosis, researching, emails, appointments, ordering supplements, communicating with people, managing the house and kids blah blah blah, it’s been go go go and it hasn’t stopped, nor did it when he passed away, but his memorial is done now and while I still have literally EVERYTHING to do for his estate, but I don’t HAVE to do it by a certain time.

But my mind and nervous system isn’t used to the slower pace and more space, so when I got an ocular migraine the other day while I was getting the kids ready for swimming I just wanted to scream about how unfair it is having no one to step in, to help me parent. Fucking hell its hard and relentless, ya’ll single/solo mums know. I had to just keep going even though I couldn’t see out my eye properly. Thank fully it went away just before we got to swimming, but I had a bit of a headache and didn’t feel well, so when I dropped the kids off at care after, I took myself to bed, but I literally had to tell myself I don’t HAVE to do anything, the housework can wait, the emails and phone calls can wait. I literally did NOTHING and lay in bed with my eyes closed (I can’t sleep during the day).

I will do a few things around the house, to do with Dans estate, then, I have to tell myself to stop and do nothing, to be calm, to nurture my nervous system, so I’ve been watching a lot of movies and drinking herbal tea. I have to. I have to go slow, I have to allow my body and mind to get out of survival mode.

I am now able to take time to find a balance between self-care and health (doing modalities like red light, HBOT, bath, enemas, exercise, things I love like card pulling or playing with my sound instruments etc), appointments like Energy Healing, massage, counselling etc, the housework and chores that need done (I’m getting groceries right after this), doing one or two things towards Dans estate and doing two fifths of FUCK ALL – all this in the hours the kids are at care.   

It’s still a challenge for me to have the kids for long periods of time as only someone who’s experienced this level of grief with young kids will truly understand. I get SO overwhelmed so fast and I either spill over and yell or I want to run away but I cant. And of course I use my tools in the moment but its fucking hard with this level of dysregulation that is new to me. My brain still just isn’t working properly, I forget things, Dylan asks me 4000 questions a day and it just overwhelms the fuck out of me, my brain cant think properly and keep up, add in Alyssa who seems to be going through either a 2 year old phase or perhaps the grief is now hitting her – or both. She’s started just getting all the toys and just throwing them everywhere making a huge mess and refusing to clean it up. Then this morning she decided to put her hands into her smoothies and rub it all over our light coloured couch. Yep. Then while I attempted to try take a shit she got a chair and got into a drawer and grabbed a cup and tried to pour the liquid that was in the blender which was it soaking after making smoothies and tipped is all over the bench and floor, the danger, the mess and the fact that that blender is fucking expensive and also had a sharp blade in it, omg I got so overwhelmed. All that in one morning.

She’s also mentioned a few things about Dan’s passing the past few days and I think she took in more about it than I realised. It’s as if she’s been sitting on it and now is speaking things out loud. She keeps asking if Daddy is sick and I say no he’s passed away now so he isn’t sick anymore, but I don’t think she understands that. Dylan asks questions, shares memories and talks about Dan everyday and while that is challenging for me on a few levels, I encourage it and try and find the joy in keeping him alive in our hearts, as painful as that is right now drawing light to the immense loneliness I feel and flashbacks of him dying.

No one tells you this shit. Well. I’ll tell you, cos then those of you who have lost will feel seen and those of you who loose down the track will understand more and know you’re normal and know how to handle it better – hopefully.

I created a beautiful poem last-night, it came to me organically as I went to bed, I grabbed my phone and wrote it out in my notes then felt called to share on my personal Facebook (since i’m off my biz social media).

I want to share it with you all here:

Even though I can no longer see you in front of me
You now live in my mind, my memories, my heart, you see
You will always be alive within me
I will always remember your laugh, your smile, your touch
I miss you so much
But I now know that the grief feels so intense
Because my love for you was immense
Each day I figure out how to accept this reality
my new life with you being with me in a different totality
We talk of you everyday
Our love will never go away
I know you want me to feel the peace that you do
And one day I know I will too.

Sarah x