I hope you all give yourselves full permission to be a messy human

3/12/23

I’ve been really struggling the past few weeks. A lot of “firsts” in a short amount of time, Dans 5 Month passing anniversary, a year since he was diagnosed and Dylans birthday – the first kids Birthday without him. Coupled with sleep deprivation because Alyssa is getting up around 5am each day and Christmas looming with lots of “happy families” and fun happening and it’s a lot.

My emotions are all just sitting under the surface and one trigger (which is usually the kids overwhelming or overstimulating me with noise/fighting/tantrums) and I snap, I either get angry or cry. I’m doing everything I can to keep calm for the kids, be present with them, to keep my nervous system calm, but guys, this level of grief is fucking insane, I simply cannot turn it off and the usual things that work for a “normal” amount of stress, simply….don’t. I’m sure they are helping me from turning into the Hulk or something, but they don’t keep me from getting so overwhelmed, stressed, dysregulated that I have a meltdown and cry or yell at the kids when they’re being crazy. And we all yell at or kids, I get it. But I know the Mum I was before grief and I see the Mum I am now during grief – and it’s not the Mum I want to be.