I have to Normalise this!

5/7/23

It’s like everything has finally hit me all at once. On a scale of 1-10 I am 475% NOT ok. And guess what? Just like when Dan was diagnosed, just like when he was literally dying, just like straight after he passed, there is 0 fucking help from anyone. No one to guide you, to prepare you for what to do, what to expect, what to prepare etc etc the system is a catastrophic failure, and while I, a seemingly strong person, with great self-awareness and tools to support myself is struggling, where does that leave others who are not as strong, not as self-aware, who have no tools to support themselves? I shudder to think.

Did you know that lung cancer is often energetically and emotionally linked to grief? Did you know that a lot of people who support someone through cancer, also get cancer themselves, due to the fucking immense pressure, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, trauma and grief? I really don’t want to be one of them, I am trying my best, but also, this is new territory for me and it is so fucking HUGE that the tools and awareness I have are not enough.

Lets talk about the physical, mental, emotional symptoms I am experiencing due to grief right now:

Sleep issues

Headaches

Dizziness/spacyness

Thick heavy body like im under heavy weights or water

Depression

Anxiety

Overwhelm

Feeling highly overstimulated and triggered by noise etc

Feeling unsupported

Lonely as all hell

My head literally feels like its throbbing, like its at full capacity and going to burst out of my head - I literally cannot put into words how my actual bran feels right now, it is NOT working properly

Forgetfulness

Memory loss

Disassociation like is this reality or a dream?

Hypervigilience

Fight or flight

Freeze

Traumatised by the images of watching him pass and seeing him dead, as well as being thrust into having to deal with where his body went and what occurred with his ashes etc

My heart feels like its going to break in two or like i’m going to have a heart attack