I have to get some shit off my chest...

30/6/23

I announced Dan’s Memorial yesterday. Now I need to figure out everything else, find photos of him between birth & when I met him, get his life story from birth to when I met him, I mean I can’t just start from 2016 can I? Also, wtf do I say? I can’t host it, I’ll probably just cry the whole time, cos it’ll be like the final final GOODBYE. It kills me seeing everyone’s faces looking at me with such sympathy, just instantly makes me cry, how am I supposed to read shit out if i’m crying? I don’t know. Overthink central obviously, but nothing prepares you for this shit. What I do know is it doesn’t have to be a particular way, this also get to be my authentic way – and how I know Dan would want it. If you knew Dan, that would be simple, no fluff, no religious stuff (spiritual ok), laughs, stories, food and drink – casual AF.

I am having it at the local salvation army, which is where he ran the Food Truck market he started. I know the Salvation Army is religious, but I’d like to support them since they know us, and helped Dan with the Market there, hopefully they are ok with us talking a little spiritual as i’ve asked our Healer/Shaman to be apart of the afternoon as I know Dan would like that.

I also want to use his food truck colleagues for the food, which I know he would have done too. It’s all about giving back and helping those that have helped us. But life right now, while obviously different, and slightly less rushed, is still fucking busy. Unless you have lost a spouse and their entire family lives overseas, you probably cant fathom all the shit i’m having to do by myself, cos no-one else can do it for me.

The kindness from strangers continues to astound me, I got my hair done yesterday and there was  a lady in there demo’ing some products to one of the staff and she must have recognised me – not sure from where, whether Dan’s food truck or social media or what, but she came up to me and said sorry for your loss and gave me a shampoo and conditioner, so thoughtful, I was holding back tears.

Its that stage where seeing people for the first time is like kinds awkward and emotional and I get super teary, especially if its randoms for some reason, as I know my mates so well and I’ve already been talking to them about everything before I see them if you know what I mean.

I have to get some shit off my chest though, cos for some reason when I write it out, it properly releases from my body and mind (I mean it still fucks around in my mind, but not as bad). If i’m being completely honest, I haven’t shared it because i’m worried it will cause drama – which translates into caring what others think, but this is MY LIFE, and writing out my pain helps me, so I will do it goddam it, hence why this is also protected by a paywall, so not just anyone can read it.