I have to accept that seeing and hearing and understanding myself is ENOUGH

29/4/24

First day back at school after school holidays. I need a fucking holiday to get over it. Its been over 3 weeks since mum and dad went overseas and I would literally kill someone for a sleep in. The sleep deprivation and just the relentlessness of NEVER getting to sleep in, often being jerked awake by someone calling out my name or a little human in my face giving me a fright cos I’m asleep and they come in going MUMMY! It’s fucking hard. Dan and I used to take turns to sleep in, I don’t get that, ever. I got it once a fortnight with mum and dad here. And right now they are sick over there, they won’t commit to anything when they get back (even though they know how desperate for a break and sleep in I will be) because they want to “see how they are when they get back”. Fuck me. Stop being so old. But also for real, do I find a Nanny? A baby sitter? Like how can I get a sleep in? and yes, I know youre thinking “but Sarah you have a partner now”. He doesn’t live with us, he works fulltime and has 3 kids 50% of the time. I also highly doubt he wants to get up early and wrangle my kids alone on his weekend off, although if I asked him he probably wouldn’t say no if he knew I really needed the break, but It’s so early in our relationships, I don’t think its fair to put so much “stepdad” responsibility on him. We should just be enjoying getting to know each-other as we fall in love. Except we never get time together without kids right now, other than when mine are asleep. Sigh. Welcome to partnerships in your 30’s as a widow, with ex’s, and multiple kids bro. complicated as fuck yo.