I find myself in such a strange place in my life, a limbo, a deeply uncomfortable unknowing of what is to unfold

  8/12/23

I am currently sitting on a deck in a robe, at my hotel in Queenstown, overlooking lake Wakatipu. A place I have been many times. I swear Queenstown has a smell, its food and waffles and ice cream and booze all mixed into one lol. I look around at the beauty of nature and soak it in. Trying to turn myself off from Mum mode. I’m a widow, a truly solo Mum, there is no-one to co-parent the kids with me – ever. The mental and physical load of that is mind-blowingly crazy, coupled with the very much still insanely intense grief my body and mind are experiencing. It’ll take me awhile to calm myself down, realise I don’t have to think 10 steps ahead about bed times and dinners and wonder if I’ll get woken gthrought he night and have to get up at 5am. For a few days I can just BE, I can be me in each moment and just do what I personally feel like doing, no rush, no where to be at a certain time. Fuck I need this. I’ve been CRAVING it for months and im finally here. And you know what? If I spend tons of time in my hotel room RELAXING, so be it. There are no rules, only what feels right in the moment.