I feel like sometimes we expect BIG and FIREWORKS and its just not

10/12/23

It’s funny how things are often not what you’d expect. I thought this weekend being solo in Queenstown that I’d have some clarity, some downloads, my nervous system would release and feel calmer, having a good couple of days of SLOW and QUIET. But I feel like sometimes we expect BIG and FIREWORKS and its just not, its quiet and often undetectable. I’m learning to really be ok with whatever transpires, whether it was what i’d hoped or not, to accept that this is my reality, my experience and that’s ok. Not to make everything have to be big and have  REASON. I’ve been writing, resting, doing self-care, eating (I love eating), sitting in nature, wandering, a bit of shopping, and today I find myself unsure what to do. I felt like I SHOULD do something, go on a boat, get a manicure, SOMETHING. But then I went to a few spa places and they were closed and I was like, I don’t have to do shit. I don’t have to do anything BIG. I can just chill. People watch. Wander aimlessly, sit and watch the view. That’s ENOUGH! Just because I’m away for the weekend doesn’t mean I have to do 4090 things and have something “big” to show from it.

I got an earlier night last night, it was raining so I just grabbed an umbrella from the hotel and walked a few metres down the road to a thai restaurant. Then home for chocolate and Netflix in bed, my body is waking me at 6am no matter what time I go to bed so I ensured it wasn’t too late. I talked to the kids yesterday arvo and they looked happy dressed up Dylan as super man and Alyssa as a princess lol so cute, I think about them constantly and Dan. It does make me feel very lonely, I see happy families, couples and groups of friends everywhere and it does hurt, I wont lie. But I’ve been a happy family and I trust that I WILL be again too. The journey and challenge is sitting in this limbo, the discomfort of being so alone, without my person to share my life with – in all the ways that we did. I feel so conflicted in wanting that again but wanting to be in a better place within myself first so as to not bring TOO much emotional fuckery with me. But also open to whatever the universe has in store for me, because I know that things often happen when you are not expecting them too. Much like meeting Dan 6 weeks before my UK visa expired.

While I didn’t get any “big shifts” this weekend I channeled another poem/grief writing piece – I share these on my personal Facebook page alongside pictures of Dan and I. I think its important my friends and family know how I feel, my inner thoughts etc so then they can choose to see me and support me in that if they so wish. I wandered back to the hotel as I had a free drink voucher so i’m sitting, having a drink, looking at the view and writing this. My next mission is figuring out what I want to eat for lunch and doing more sitting in nature and chilling before I wander back, grab my bag and get a bus back to the airport – cos I refuse to pay $60 for a taxi out of principal it’s a ridiculous price for a 15 minute drive.

Will anything change when I get back home? Well ill bloody hug my kids hard, but I am kind of over the heaviness and fog of the grief, I feel fatigued and tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. So, instead of doing fuck all and waiting for the day that it lifts (which could be days, weeks or years) I am going to prioritise each day 20/30 minutes of movement and work my way up to an hour. I want to be even healthier than I am, I don’t move my body much other than running around after the kids, doing housework and the lawns etc I want to do specific movement, bike, walking and yoga and even some body weight training exercises, and I want to add in more of the things I thought id already be doing by now like regular enemas and hyperbaric oxygen chamber etc. I’ll start slow as its still inching closer to Christmas and I know its hanging over me emotionally, I have presents to wrap and a tattoo sleeve to priortise before he moves away, i’ll muddle through December then get into the groove and make it my new habit in January.

This journey has affected me in ways I didn’t think it would like my confidence for example – being suddenly single and thinking oh man, everyone is so judgmental on looks in the first instance and I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, its interesting to have these thoughts, but also hi Ii’m a human! I do love myself, I think I’m fucking great, but the thoughts pop up in our judgmental society full of fake and fillers and filters. You get comfortable knowing you already have someone who loves you – every part of you. And then you have to start again and face being rejected for various things and that’s a bit of a fuckery of a place to be in – but of course I will talk openly and honestly about it, because I’m not the only single woman with kids in her late 30’s am I? if I don’t talk about it others will feel more alone.

Wherever you are at on your journey, don’t forget to be present in the NOW, accepting what is, letting go of what you can’t change and taking action on what you can. The most important thing is you live each moment of your life YOUR way, because that means everything.