I feel a HUGE light within me to continue to show up real, raw, authentic & create safe spaces for others to be themselves
18/01/24
The past few weeks has been crazy, I find myself getting more & more wound up with overwhelm when there is a lot going on. Alyssa was out for about a week with her gastro, Dylan 24 hours then he has developed a cough again, the third time he has had a bad cough after an illness – no matter what the illness is. I know there is something going on underneath, but not sure what. He’s otherwise fine but coughs a lot at night and early morning, which is interrupting his, and my, sleep, he’s also woken Alyssa twice coughing early morning. Sigh. I took him to the Dr for a general checkup now he’s 5 and to talk about the coughing, he checked out fine in terms of lungs, ears, throat etc he gave me a inhaler to try to basically rule out Asthma I guess, if it doesn’t help then I guess I take him back and we talk more about what else it may be. It’s not lost on me that lungs are associated with grief and he is DEEPLY grieving like me. He took the inhaler before bed last night but still coughed and then woke me up at 550am coughing and he didn’t go back to sleep, I gave him another inhale this morning but again, no difference. I have 0 experience with asthma so no idea if it should instantly help or if it takes time. Last night I absolutely lost my mind at Alyssa, she is being an absolute NIGHTMARE at bed time, probably 5/6 nights out of 7. Like horrific, demanding so many things, and crying and screaming if she doesn’t get them and of course I don’t want to just give her everything she wants cos she needs boundaries and to know she cant just cry and scream to get everything she wants in life, i’m trying to teach my kids they simply cant get everything they want and things cannot always go the way they want them to, however trying to deal with that, while i’m sleep deprived and tired as fuck, overwhelmed, stressed, dealing with several stressful things behind the scenes, grieving like a mofo, and I have to leave Dylan in the lounge alone while I try and deal with her, then when I do finally get her to stop screaming and lie down, he’s crying, I ask him why and he says because he misses Daddy. And I break, well, more. I cry and hold him. I tell him I miss Daddy too and it’s ok to miss him, it’s ok to cry, I tell him things to make him feel better, all the while they certainly don’t make me feel better because having to do the parenting alone, all the time is hard enough, let alone everything else running a household and life entails. I desperately wished he was here, that my children didn’t have to face such grief and loss so fucking young. But what can I do? I cant bring him back, so I just have to keep picking myself back up again.
I shared a bit of what happened last night with the kids on social media and have had several private messages thanking me for being so real and vulnerable. My story has had the most views in almost all of my stories, and who knows, it could be an algorithm thing, but I swear the more real, raw, honest and vulnerable I am, the more people relate and want to also share and open their heart and say thank you for leading the way in speaking about these things, these things that are NORMAL, that WE ALL go through. I feel a HUGE light within me to continue to show up real, raw and authentic and create safe spaces for others to be themselves, to share whats on their heart to be vulnerable, real and raw themselves. A safe space where we can admit what we find hard without shame or judgement. Life is hard enough without others constantly undermining, judging, shaming, belittling, bullying us. If I can create at least one space for someone to feel safe to FULLY be themselves and embrace the messiness and duality of being a human – what a beautiful gift.
I’m slowly starting to throw around idea and things for re-launching my business and get clarity on truly refining and defining my offers, and what women can receive when they work with me in any capacity. In two days Dan has been gone for 7 months – the same amount of time he was sick for. Its huge. I am taking things so slowly right now because there is a lot going on in everyday with life and the kids, issue upon issue with their homebased carers, Dylan starting school, I have some decisions to make around Alyssa’s care after Dylan is settled at school, as I stand by what I teach, if you can reduce your stress – do it, the stress the carers are currently adding to my life is 100% not needed and pushing me over the overwhelm edge, as the everyday behavior and challenges of a 2 and 5 year old, grief and sleep deprivation and household running is enough! I want to honour where i’m at, take my time to fully feel into what I am wanting to do, not rush and also set boundaries and not allow myself to be treated less than in anyway – by anyone! I spoke with a fellow unjabbed, sovereign, leading the way by being real, raw, vulnerable and honest queen who also runs her own business and to speak with someone else who GETS it, who is on the same page, it is SO empowering and lights a fire within, and that is what I want to give others when they work with me, they find empowerment, strength from within, I bring it out in them, they feel seen, heard, accepted and loved – just as they are! Such simple, yet life alteringly important things!!! She solidified in me that I am on the right path for me, she reminded me how damn fucking hard it is to speak your truth,(especially when it is usually SO different from the majority) set boundaries and stand up for yourself when you have been mis-treated – when most would cower, play small, not rock the boat, not set boundaries, say nothing, give in etc I WONT. I refuse. It’s getting to the point in my journey if you cannot communicate with me like a respectful human being I don’t want you anywhere near me. I get to choose whos in my life, and that includes my kids carers, family, friends, what coffee shop we go to etc I am choosing so fucking wisely from such a deep space of self-respect, and even though it feels scary and uncomfortable (I do this all afraid guys, I am no anomaly!) I do it anyway, it means too much to me to not do it, and each time I do I become more ME, It becomes easier, I feel safer within my skin, my voice and god I want that for you all!
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