I can normalize messy human life because NO-ONE escapes it.
21/02/24
I lost Alyssa last-night, I couldn’t find her for 15 minutes. I was terrified and panicked. I started hyperventilating thinking someone had taken her or she’d somehow got outside and ran off and I couldn’t leave Dylan alone in bed to go find her. I called out her name, but go no reply and looked through the whole house several times. It was bed time and she didn’t want to go to bed so she kept getting out, I put Dylan to bed and went to go put her back into bed and that’s when I couldn’t find her. I became more frantic and panicked as time went on, my brain getting overwhelmed having to do this alone, carrying the immense grief of loosing Dan, my rock, my person who I’d go to for these things, to talk to, to cry on and be held, but there’s no one, it’s just me, all the time. I couldn’t think of anywhere else where she’d be so I rang mum panicking, barely able to speak, I sank to my knees and that’s when I saw her. Curled up under the kitchen bench behind the bar stools cuddling her cuddly toy. I instantly burst into the highest fucking cry fest, Dylan had come out of his room with all the commotion and I just held my babies and cried and they cried and I just was a mess from thinking I had lost my little girl. That i’d lost someone else who is so important to me. Fucking hell. It’s the next day and i’m still activated and emotionally hungover. My poor body and mind. This journey is so fucking cruel. Neither of the kids have ever done that before, and of course it had to be now, when i’m alone and fucked by grief. Of course universe, send her all the lessons, all at once, and she’ll sink or swim. And you know me, ill fucking flail like a bitch till I can swim.
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