I am NOT a Victim of Circumstance
2/5/24
I feel like I’m in this constant battle between me and me in my head about well, moving forward with my life. I just can’t seem to accept that I have to stop dwelling in the past. It’s like I’m scared to let go of the last few tendrils, because, guys this is fucking HUGE. Dan WAS my life for 7 years, I thought he was the man I was gonna grow old with, he was/is the Father of my kids. It’s not like a break-up. He fucking DIED. He suffered for 7 months then died. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling and put it into words really. It is just extremely hard to let go, and another mindfuck in itself to even say “let go” because I know I won’t ever forget him, but still my brain just goes back and forth, I start looking to the future with Jamie and the kids, or I have a moment of gratitude for the present moment, then BOOM, I feel guilt. Fucking hell.
I know I don’t need to force myself or rush anything, but it helps to get these thoughts and feelings out of my body, I can often make more sense of them if I speak them out loud or write them down like this – and it feels lighter on my body and mind too, a load off if you will. I also do find it hard to speak to my loved ones about how I’m feeling, because I know they won’t understand and most likely can’t offer me any advice haha I know I just have to take my time and figure it out myself, do what feels right for me. The main thing is I refuse to beat myself up for having these thoughts and feelings because this isn’t some simple, black and white thing, its complex as fuck.
So, I tell myself, I am here to LIVE, which means moving FORWARD with my life. Moving forward means I can continue to grow and evolve as a person, do things I love and enjoy, meet new people, work on my business, try new things and also yes, move forward with my romantic life with a new partner. None of this means I am just completely forgetting and ignoring the past. My past experiences turned me into the Woman I am today. It’s so complex to be living still and naturally as we live and grow and age we can forget things in our past, or memories become hazy or we forget things completely. If I think back to my friend that died when I was 18, at the time everything was all fresh in my mind, now I can barely remember what he was like, his voice etc and I guess that’s what I am scared of. Knowing that I inevitably will forget about those little intimate details of Dan, his voice, humour, the way he loved me, how he was with the kids, and it fucking HURTS to think I am slowly going to forget him. not completely I know, but those little details and well, I hate it. And its causing me grief in that regard. But its not something I can control. So I am trying not to let it affect me too much, I know he’d want me to live in the present, to honour him however feels right for me. I know he'd want me to continue with my life and be happy, genuinely happy. I know he’d want me to have a partner who loves me for me and is an amazing Father to our kids. And I remind myself of this often.
The society we live in is still stuck on widows being like 80 and expecting them to simply mourn the loss of their husband until they die a few years later. I’ve got fucking DECADES to live and two very young kids I don’t want to raise alone. That is NOT my reality, it is out-dated and frankly, bullshit, I am not just my late Partner. It’s like oh she was a wife, a house-wife and her husband died so she must just grieve him now because that’s all she was a wife, a carer, a mother. Fuck that shit, i’m ME, i’m not who my partner is, i’m not any title like Mother. I am MUCH MORE THAN THAT. So, I will continue to move forward, face any and all grief, and I will be a widow in MY WAY, I will remember and honour Dan in MY way, while finding joy and happiness and the remainder of the life I get to live – not taking it for granted and not fucking it away being some victim of circumstance. That ain’t my legacy.