How I react is what I can control

25/06/24

What a fucking week it has been. Again, intense duality. I thought the lead up to Dans first birthday after his passing and his first death anniversary the next day would be worse than the day itself, but I was wrong! It hit me the night before his birthday, I got into bed and just cried and cried. It’s like I just went straight back to how all the pain and stress and trauma and shock felt in my body and mind, I remembered what happened on those days and fuck it HURTS to remember. This is why people numb out – they don’t want to feel such pain and feeling such intense EMOTIONAL pain is fucking not fun, but it is also PHYSICAL pain at the same time, especially in my chest/heart. I was feeling down all day on his Birthday, and I thought his death anniversary would be worse, but I kind of just felt NUMB, like an emotional hangover all day. I did my best to just be kind to myself, no expectations, I had no energy to do much and couldn’t even bring myself to make dinner so had takeaways two days in a row – which the kids enjoyed haha. Its so fucking ok not to be ok in these moments. I refuse to make myself wrong for feeling how I do. It’s the bodies way of reacting to fucked up shit, I can definitely give it space to feel and do things to help ground me and keep me calm etc. Then the day after Jamie and I headed off on a road trip into nature for 48 hours of BLISS. The week started off shithouse and ended beautifully. And I guess that’s life right? You cant have the shit without the amazing. You gotta feel and experience ALL OF IT. I think what fucks humans up is the meaning we put on everything, gotta be a reason for everything, take it personally, think everyone else is dandy when they’re 7 shades of fucked up, but they hide it well. You know? In a world of fake shit, AI shit, social media highlight reel bullshit – we CRAVE REAL.