30/11/22
I thought I was doing better, I started to feel more positive that we can beat this – SO MANY people survive Cancer! It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Then Dans pain has been slowly increasing and it kills me seeing him in such pain 24/7. He’s having trouble pooping and now the Dr’s want him to go back into hospital. So, he’ll at least be in overnight, if not longer. The team is meeting tomorrow to decide on what needs to happen for him, and hopefully more information on what stage its at etc. So, I’m thrown straight back into solo parenting and I’d only just started recovering from last weeks one, and getting a bit more sleep as Dan does the nights. Alyssa sleeps better when Dan does the nights because when I go in she just wants boob and when I don’t give it to her she literally screams – for hours. If I do give it to her she wants to sleep on it for the rest of the night and I still get no sleep and then she expects it every night. Damned if I do damned if I don’t. I’ve thought about weaning as she is particularly bad right now with “don’t want to” at bed time and nap time, tantruming and screaming for ages if she doesn’t get to do what she wants, but I also love the connection, it does help to calm her during the day and she’s my last baby.
I then go back into victim mode of why us? Why is this so hard? Why cant we have more people who will come and physically help us? I’ve got family here in chch and I shit you not, I have not even heard a peep from them. Apparently they messaged my Mum to say sorry to hear – WTF? I feel sad that despite knowing a shit ton of people, I’ve got very few I can actually rely on to practically and mentally/emotionally help us, I have online friends who I can offload too - but it’s not the same as in person.
I feel like I don’t have time to even gather my thoughts or feel my feelings because I have to be strong for Dan, I need to be his rock and I don’t want him getting stressed in anyway - anymore than he already is. I’m pretty sure the kids are picking up on everything too as both are very emotional and Dylan has started getting upset again at pick up and drop off and we’d JUST got it sorted. FML.
I mean what is this test? My intuition has been telling me to slow down for ages and clearly it wasn’t enough, because the universe has forced us to a stand still. All I can do right now is take each hour as it comes and survive. This is a LONG journey ahead. This is a complete lifestyle overhaul. We are very healthy people, but we have to go NEXT LEVEL healthy, literally no sugar or processed foods, juicing, organic as much as we can, all out.
I still have not done any proper research into how to first detox then start a new eating lifestyle, it all feels very overwhelming. I’ve made a list of all the holistic supplements, practices, treatments etc but I don’t know where to start with what to do when and how often etc. I think I need to give myself a break. It doesn’t need to be done super quick. I guess I just want him to have the best chance, but this first few weeks particularly is going to be full on, until we can get some clarity on literally all of the things.
I have to just ditch everything and focus on Dan and the kids, fitting in tiny things for myself like meditation, a walk etc when I can. This is taking my personal practice to an absolute insane next level, taking every ounce of strength I have to be strong and keep going and be positive and shift out of any negative thoughts etc I am very grateful I have the awareness and tools, otherwise this journey would be even harder.
I literally feel insane sometimes like one minute I’m ok the next I’m a mess, but you know what? There is no fucking rule book for this kind of thing! There is no right or wrong, there is just reality and how I feel is valid. I feel like I’ve just been freed from the Matrix and everyone else is just going about their lives worrying about bullshit. Harsh. But true, none of that bullshit matters to me now, none.