Find the joy in the shit people, MAKE the joy in the shit

30/10/23

For 4 months I’ve wanted this acute grief phase to be over, to get my brain and body back. Be able to think properly, remember things, make decisions, not get so overwhelmed & overstimulated so easily, feel less heavy & tired etc. Well, I feel like I am finally moving past the acute grief phase, but it comes with another challenge – guilt. This journey is fucking WILD. So many feelings and emotions. I thought if the acute grief phase was over and I could function better, id be able to do more, be a better mum etc so, physically I feel a bit lighter, I feel more positive for the future, I’m able to find more joy in daily life, I’m more happy, optimistic, positive. I am able to think more clearly, I am not getting triggered and overwhelmed and overstimulated by the kids as much, I feel like I’m more sold within, like I can handle more, a greater capacity if you will, more resilience. I am by no means “fine” but certainly perhaps to the next phase of grief, the initial traumatic, deep, dark, acute grief phase I believe is over. However, as mentioned it is bringing with it guilt! My brain goes what if people think you’re “over” Dan passing away? Am I grieving enough? Am I fucked up enough? Should I be more fucked up still at 4 months out? Just wow brain. I wanted to share this with you because I think with each big event in our lives, there comes many different feelings and emotions, none of which are likely openly talked about, which can lead to more shame, loneliness, feeling misunderstood, pressure from yourself because you somehow thing you’re “doing it wrong” there is literally no right or wrong way to grieve and unless you’re grieving too you don’t get to judge another’s grief journey. (not that you do when you’re grieving too I just mean you’ll know not to judge when you’re fucked up with your own grief”.