Feeling it All
30/1/23
Honestly this journey is just a constant INSANE rollercoaster of just pure EVERYTHING. Every emotion, no hiding from anything, no place to try run away from the hard conversations, the uncomfortable feelings, the past traumas come to the surface and they HAVE to be dealt with.
It’s been a week. Dan’s pain was average (it never goes away) then BOOM back really bad again, to the point where it takes him over and he just emotionally and mentally can’t do it and goes to the thoughts of is this it? AM I LITERALLY DYING RIGHT NOW? Then he thinks about the kids and it’s unbearable for him to think about leaving the kids (and me). And fuck, I can’t keep it together when that happens, because of course i’m fucking scared of those same thoughts from my perspective. But I have to swallow them to be strong and positive for him (don’t worry I still cry and feel them I just don’t dwell and I often process them away from him as he’s got enough on his plate).
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. And like stress and fear are the WORST for Cancer, even above eating shitty food. Like, we are trying so hard to reduce Dan’s stress, to the point I feel like we’re stressing about stress. FML. I cannot take it all away cos we have two small hurricanes. That shit is relentless. I just try and get through the day when its that bad. I try be as mindful and present as possible, because getting stuck in a doom spiral in my head helps nothing and no-one, achieves nothing and it isn’t REALITY.
But full permission to admit that this is HARD AS FUCK.
I often feel lost, lonely. Isolated, no one gets it. Unless you’ve been in my position, in our position, you don’t get it and I think people find it hard to know how to support us.
Just hold space, be there for me for a shoulder to cry on, someone to chat to. Someone to just go out and do normal human things, support me around the house with practical things, bring us food, support me with the kids, support us financially if you can, that’s it, and my god do I appreciate any and all help and support cos I will happily admit I cant do this without community.
Dan’s on his 4th Hyperbaric oxygen chamber session, flooding his body with oxygen – we just don’t get enough and cancer cells cant survive with oxygen and healthy cells THRIVE with it. We are going to send off some poo and hair tests today to see what else is going on in his body.
I just wish we could know WHY he is having so much pain, what’s causing it? How can we help heal it? Taking painkillers definitely aint the answer and cant be good for his body long-term!
He’s struggling to eat much, he’s having to have a lot more liquid meals and everything hurts as it goes through his system. Imagine that? Eating and then being in excruiciating pain from digesting the food and trying to poop or pee it out. Fuck.
But we have to TRUST, hold faith that his body is so fucking wise and CAN heal itself – given the right support and environment. Unfortunately figuring out the right support and environment is a long game.
My heart goes out to anyone going through a similar journey to us, it’s something I cannot really put into words properly.