Depressed

15/12/22

All I can say is today is a write off. I don’t often feel depressed, but today I think that’s exactly what I’m feeling. Dan went in for a liver MRI at 7am, I had the kids then dropped them at 9 then went back to bed. I’ve cried several times. My feelings and emotions are overwhelming, having to do so much around the house and for the kids (and Dan) all of a sudden is taking it’s toll, all the research etc I feel likes its all hit me and the looming appointment we have tomorrow to talk to the chemo lady who, of course, is going to expect Dan to just go ok let’s get started, not ask questions, get informed consent, pros and cons and think about it – and she will likely have his full diagnosis.
So, I’m fucking scared. Dan faces his mortality everyday and I face his mortality – and what that entails for the kids and I everyday too.
I know I cant be positive and happy and optimistic ALL the time, that’s just insane. But fuck, when this hits, its big. I’ve literally done fuck all, all day. Moping. I don’t even wanna be around me. I also feel lonely, trapped, isolated and misunderstood. No-one gets how this feels. I feel like I have to hide my big feelings and emotions to be strong and positive for Dan and the kids, but this leaves me with no outlet and no-one to talk to. I know lots of people, yes, but I don’t have anyone that I instantly go “ill talk to them about how I’m feeling” and that’s fucking depressing in itself.
Finding friends as an adult is hard, finding friends as adults with kids is hard, finding friends as an adult with kids and a partner who’s freshly diagnosed with cancer……well its hard cos how can I just meet up with people and do normal chit chat? I’m just not there yet. Maybe once we’ve been able to process the full diagnosis and have our “new normal” going strong, then I can try and make some friends.
Now to hold it together for the kids till they go to bed then I guess I’ll go to bed too and hope I wake up feeling better tomorrow.