Catastrophising to Fuck

13/12/22

This week I feel like we’ve got a cloud over our heads. The looming black clouds of perhaps FINALLY having a FULL diagnosis. Although they’ll probably make us wait till next week the cunts. PET scan tomorrow, MRI of liver Thursday, talking to chemo person Friday, who will hopefully have the results and my fucking old egoic, victim, catastrophizing mindset has come back up to play. I’M SCARED, I’m so fucking scared its spread because obviously the DRs will doom him and try to put a date on his fucking life, and I guess if it’s spread it may be harder to heal naturally? I don’t know.

Of course i’m hoping for the best, of course i’m hoping it hasn’t spread, but I can’t turn off the worst case thoughts. They are affecting my mood. I’m trying to allow them to have their moment, and not get caught up with them, but I won’t lie, its hard. Cos this is HUGE.
Worst case, he’s in constant pain, I’m basically living as a single parent already doing everything, except he’s there, resting, he gets worse, and he passes, then I have to somehow grieve him, while being “normal” for the kids, trying to explain why Daddys never coming home and somehow keep up a household, look after the kids, earn money to survive? It’s too much.

Yet, also, miracles happen. People survive and thrive completely ridding their body of Cancer, or thriving WITH cancer. ANYTHING can happen with the right tools, support, mindset etc he could live a full life and we grow old together, or of course lesser timeframes, but still more than THEY will likely give him.

Of course I try and focus on the positive, what we can do, making our day to day life as joyful as possible, but as soon as he’s in a lot of pain it throws me. I get scared, anxious and stressed. I don’t know what to do or say. Because we don’t know WHY the pain is so bad, is it just the tumour causing it? Is there other tumours? When the pain gets bad I freak out, yet try and stay steady and calm for Dan and the kids. I cannot imagine what’s going through his head.

I cant help remembering my friend Kate, who met with me for coffee in Dunedin, just before she went to the hospital to find out the lump on her breast was indeed breast cancer, stage 4, metastatic (it had spread), she had two kids, a girl and a boy, a bit older than mine (Alyssa wasn’t even born), and she died in less than a year. She tried all the natural things too, although she did do chemo. I don’t know why they didn’t work for her. But, it doesn’t have to be Dans story.

You may think i’m going HARD with the natural stuff, and yes, I am, but not because I feel forced or like I have to, I want to, I enjoy it, I love learning more about health and wellness, not only is it important for Dans body and Mind to be as healthy as possible, but also mine. After doing this juice fast, I have more energy and am better able to do more with the kids and around the house, starting before 5am everyday thanks to Alyssa. Don’t get me wrong, i’m tired as fuck. But I know if I was eating the way I was, I wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as I am. I need to look after my mind, body and soul, just as much as Dan does.

It's a rollercoaster everyday. I think we’re making progress then bam, pain or something else, looming tests, depressing drs. Fuck me. Were only 3 weeks in!!!! We are still adjusting to this new life we are having to live, it will take some time and I need to release any pressure to have fucking ANYTHING figured out.

I crave like ONE solid girlfriend I can talk to about anything and everything who comes over to my house and helps with the kids, the housework and is just a shoulder for me, but that’s just not reality. Everyone is busy, its almost Christmas.

I still feel like going dark on social media, yet I also feel like the universe is pushing me in this direction and people need to hear what I have to say about this journey.

I don’t know. I do what feels right. We just have to accept that some days Dan can’t do ANYTHING and others he can. Remember looks can be deceiving. Dan looks “normal” yet he has cancer and is in excruciating pain, he still has kids and is a Father, we still need to go out and entertain the kids and try have fun, my ego wonders if people think we’re just using the give a little money to  have a fun lifestyle. I don’t know why that comes up.

Firstly, we have not got access to ANY funds yet, and secondly fuck them if they’re gonna think us taking the kids to chipmunks means all of a sudden Dans ok, cancer and pain free. You don’t see anxiety, stress, worry, depression. There are so many thinks physically and mentally someone could be struggling with that you cant see on the outside. I allow those thoughts to pop up, then I release them cos those people don’t matter to me, what matters to me is my little Family.