Call me a rebel, I'm claiming that shit now

3/7/23

I had a meltdown this morning. This was the first weekend that I felt so fucking alone, no real break from the kids, obviously no proper sleep, ever, so relentless and full on, trying to entertain the kids, be a good Mum, do the household stuff, I couldn’t even get a moment really to actually allow myself to grieve, I had to just put it aside and be with the kids, but it’s exhausting in general, let alone when you’re in a thick cloud of grief, and have a million things to do and on your mind.

I got my period this morning and all of a sudden the cramps came on thick and fast and I felt hot and like I was gonna throw up. I was trying to make the kids breakfast and I just lost it, I lay down on the floor and cried and the kids were asking me what was wrong, of course I tell the truth, Dylan also asked me what was the red stuff in the toilet cos they had to come watch me take a shit. The hugeness and just massive void I feel of Dan being gone, no help with parenting the kids just hit me like a ton of bricks.