because if I die tomorrow at least in know I did grief my way too.

11/09/23

9 Days out from it being 3 Months since Dan passed away, and to be completely honest, I am still massively fucked up. I mean, I didn’t know what to expect obviously, no-one talks openly about grief, yes there are people who do, but you have to seek them out, it’s not mainstream, everyday, out there, normalised conversation.

And again, if I’m being completely honest which I want to be as I think it’s important to really openly talk about what the day to day ins and outs of intense grief with young kids is like – I sometimes feel shame around how much I struggle. The tears are welling in my eyes as I type this. I’m exhausted, shattered. The weekends fucking kill me. I’m run down, I’ve had no break for two days with two full on kids under 5, and Alyssa wasn’t well yesterday feeling hot to touch, not eating much, tired and not wanting to play, while Dylan was full of beans, I feel pulled in two different directions everyday, then spend my time while they are at care during the week trying to put myself back together enough to get through the afternoon and evening with them, as well as doing all the adult, solo Mum, Widow things I need to do each day, groceries, cleaning, errands, estate stuff etc etc Going to bed early each night isn’t enough for this level of insane emotions, feelings and physical symptoms from grief. There is no actual, proper break from night-time dinner n bed etc , morning rush and at the moment it’s been 3 weeks in between when my Mum and Dad have the kids overnight. One night to sleep and try nourish my mind and body a month is NOT enough for this level of fuckery, it’s just not.

The shame comes up trying to tell me, i’ve got so much strength, awareness I should be doing better. I have so many practices, tools, modalities, I should be further along this grief journey. But, I’ve got nothing to compare it too, and even talking to other widows further along the track than me, we are all so different and have different circumstances different kids etc So really, anyone who judges me (including myself) can get fucked.

It is what it is. It is NOT something I can control. I can MANAGE it to the best of my ability and I need to be ok with that. Like my insomnia, I manage it. I haven’t found a “cure” a way to get rid of it once and for all, I just have to manage It as best I can, grief is the same, I cant turn it off, I cant just “get over it” I can only manage it as best I can, and each day looks different.

The truth is after almost 3 months, I still miss him so much it hurts, I feel intensely lonely, I’ve lost my number one fan, the person I shared my deepest, darkest thoughts with, my comforter who always knew how to make me feel better, the hugs, his voice.

After almost 3 months I am still depressed and struggling to accept my new reality. It Words cant even put it into context how hard it is to be a widow, grieve and all of a sudden be single, a solo parent and have to do everything solo, the thought of how to earn enough money to keep the kids and I going gives me intense anxiety, and I have to push it out of my mind because I can’t do anything about it right now, because i’m not in a fit state to work and I cant force myself to. It’s a deal with it when the time comes problem. Theres been two of us doing life together for 7 years, almost 5 with kids, its not gonna take me a mere few months to fucking “get over” all this.

Some of you may read this and think, its only been 3 months, no one is expecting you to be ok right now and “over it”, but i’ve always had high expectations of myself (i’m sure a lot of you will admit to this too), and the truth is that this grief is paralysing. And I am a VERY independent person and im struggling to do day to day things and that in itself is really hard for me to accept.

When I had knee surgery they played it down and I thought it was a minor key-hole surgery, turns out I needed help to even shower and basically couldn’t move off the couch or bed for weeks and I cried, because all of a sudden I lost my independence and ability to care for myself, it was the first time as An adult I had to rely on and let others care for me. But also, the reality is that my village is not big enough to care for me in the way I need, our modern society is busy and everyone has to work their asses off to barely get by at jobs they likely resent, so there’s no one to help me day to day – unless I pay a stranger, and even then they simply cant do all the things that need to be done, only basic, surface level, around the house stuff.

I feel like i’m living in some alternative reality, frozen and paralysed in grief, everyday a struggle (albeit some more positive and flowing than others) while everyone else continues on as normal. It’s like in the movies when they do that thing where the person stands still and everything around them rushes by in fast forward.

All I can show here is how I am in each moment of this journey, how my mind is working, how I am unpacking it all, what I am doing to (try and) get through.

I’ve been watching After Life on Netflix. I saw it there and realised Dan had been watching it, I remember looking over his shoulder once, saw Ricky Gervais, British, oh yup, just some British comedy (which he loved), I had no idea what it was actually about until I read the description a few weeks ago. Ricky plays a widow who looses his wife to Cancer. Dan was watching this when he had Cancer, he would have seen how fucked up Ricky was, knowing I might be going through something similar if he didn’t make it. That must not have been easy to watch….and it’s not for me either. I’m two episodes off the end of the last season. I encourage you to watch it, because sometimes seeing something acted out physically, makes it easier to grasp and understand than just my words here. While its not the same, he’s older, no kids, and I’m not suicidal (but can understand why he is) and I don’t walk around calling everyone a cunt lol, the pain he carries and shows is accurate, it is the most pain I have ever felt and your body and mind simply just doesn’t know what to do with it – he drinks to numb it. I don’t. I numbed my shitty typical 20’s and teenager bullshit pain in my teens and 20’s (which included when my mate died at 18, I just drank the pain away).  So, here I am feeling every second of the most intense pain ive ever felt and its all consuming, my mind, my brain, my body, it affects every cell of my body.

I’m proud of myself for looking for healthy ways to manage the pain, not turning to substances or addiction to numb, because I know, I’ll still eventually have to feel it and acknowledge it, unpack it, deal with it. But its sure As shit gonna take longer than I thought, so for now, I work on accepting where I am at, its ok to feel how I do, and be where i’m at – because its literally happening and not something I can fully control.

I try focus on honouring Dan and thinking of how he’d show up in these circumstances, or what he’d want for me – to be happy, healthy, authentic, thriving etc So, I try my best not to wallow, not to let all the constant pain consume me. I just have to keep riding this wave, putting one foot in front of the other, accept the help and support I can get and hope and trust I will be more of myself soon, a new version of myself of course, but me and not me under layers of pain and grief.

Dylan’s been sleeping with Dans stuffed dog from when he was little every since Fathers day, I woke up to crying lastnight and it was him crying because he’d' lost the dog in a tangle of sheets in his bed. He’s been saying “I want Daddy” and the other day said “I wish Daddy was alive forever” he is grieving, hard and it breaks my heart and adds to my pain because saying “I wish Dad were alive too” doesn’t seem like enough. I can see the pain in his behavious too, acting out and breaking things or being mean to his friends, I can understand why hes doing it, but its hard to deal with too, there so much pressure because its all on me, im it, im all they have, I have to care for myself and two other human beings who need me to literally take care of all aspects of their lives. When you break down the daily shit I have to do in this amount of debilitating pain and grief, it’s a daily miracle im still sane.

I know in the long-run this will make me stronger, more resilient, learn how to deal with huge feelings and emotions (in myself and others), etc etc but for now, in the thick of it, I just want it to be over and for me to be out the other side of this thick, dark cloud. I know the grief and pain will never go away, but I would really love for it to be slightly less debilitating. I think i’ve been putting too much pressure on myself to be more positive, happier, less grief stricken, but that’s not authentic, that’s just adding to the pressure I already feel and its unhelpful, so, I accept where I am, I accept it’s not where I want to be, I accept its not where I thought id be, I accept I had no idea what this would be like so where I am is fine, I accept doing my best is enough, the kids are only getting older and closer to being a little more independent, my grief surely cant get worse, and the family shit just isn’t even on the radar, I give up, I cant deal with bullshit like that with everything else I have going on. The last two messages I sent have gone un-answered so that ball is in their court and i’m focusing on what matters the most – me and the kids daily lives.

I feel like todays lessons through my word vomits are to take the pressure off yourself, because it just makes shit harder, don’t judge yourself or others cos you have no clue what they are going through, do your best and that’s it, its ok to not be where you thought you’d be – the main thing is however you are showing up and functioning in life right now – you do it AUTHENTICALLY – YOUR WAY, because if I die tomorrow at least in know I did grief my way too.