Authenticity in ALL areas.

26/6/23

Day 6 after Dan passed. The first few days I was distraught and wrought with images of watching him die and seeing him dead. I was scared I would just be continuously tortured by those images, yet already, they have moved further into the background, thank fuck. I don’t want that to be how I remember him. I have to remember him BEFORE this horrific disease took everything from him, and us. Cancer is so unpredictable, you get stage 4 people who heal and are Cancer free, or just live with stage 4 Cancer basically healthy and well (Kris Carr anyone), yet Dan just got fucked over, hard. Not a chance, not a chance to have a decent go of holistic or allopathic.

Then I get people saying – he chose his soul path, as did you. I aint ready to hear that yet, I know they mean well, but its too fresh.

Dylans questions continue. I do my best to be patient and centered, but fuck sometimes they get me so hard and I just want to cry, and I know that’s ok, but crying every time he asks a questions isn’t ideal, it’s exhausting. I understand he is just trying to understand and make sense of what’s happening. I get waves of anger and sadness over how these amazing kids no longer have a Daddy and he was the best fucking Daddy. One of the Mums from the kids homebased care gave me a book on understanding grief in kids, and its quite good, although I wished it went into specific ages more, but i’m only half way through. Mum brought some kids books that mention people no longer being here in them, ones about an invisible string keeping everyone connected, which is lovely, I just had to change the word heaven in the book, cos I am NOT going there with my kids. I’m not enforcing something on them that I don’t believe in.

I get a lot of people do, but I think what is important here is believing in what aligns for YOU. Authenticity in ALL areas, don’t just blindly follow what your parents believe in, or majority of society. Your life is for YOU. This goes for LIFE and for DEATH.

I live in a small community and frequent the same places for my food, coffee etc and i’ve plopped myself in a café to write this to be around other humans and a lady that works here came over to offer coffee, condolences and a hug, which was very nice, but fuck it was hard to hold back the tears. Sometimes peoples sympathy pushes me over the edge, all part of the journey I guess.

A friend started a meal train for me and so far I have just had to heat stuff up for dinner for the kids, which is amazing, as despite not having to rush back and forth to Dan and not be able to do anything else, I have a little more space yes, but there is A HUGE to do list and it’s all up to me. Joint names in everything, I need to contact WINZ, sort his food truck, the cars so I can sell them both and get one half decent car, find a venue for and organise a memorial – that’s no 1 and I am already massively overwhelmed by it as I have NO idea how to organise one, what I should include and how to do the things I want, like a photo slideshow etc I have to sort through all his clothes and stuff, close bank accounts, here and in the UK, im sure other things will pop up along the way.

I also am waiting for a message to go pick up his ashes today and a call to arrange a company to pickup the hospital bed he was using when he stayed at home, I know I’ll get emotional when they take that away. I’m literally just figuring it out as I go, and I know a lot of it isn’t a rush, but part of me wants the majority sorted, so I can focus on resting, recalibrating, self-care and just BEING as I grieve and care for my babies.

Mum and Dad had the kids for a good chunk of the weekend past as I really needed some decent sleep and self-care. I did cold pressed juice, sauna, walk in nature, yoga, healy, bath, reading and once ive dealt with a lot of this stuff I will be starting some daily rituals while the kids are at care to just pour so much love into myself and get my nervous system on point.

I will absolutely be looking to others for support from my kinesiologist, to massage, grief coaching, whatever I feel called to and I refuse to worry about money because I fucking need it and I fucking deserve it right now. Its not going to be ongoing that I do THAT much, but I will certainly be doing some kind of maintenance.

I feel so called to continue writing this and sharing with you all as I navigate the grief, solo motherhood, optimising my body and mind, sharing about ALL of this journey, because it’s honestly still stigmatized and taboo to talk about death, grief and all the nitty grotty details of what everyday life actually looks like in this season.

I will pop the occasional free post up like this one, and I will also start a weekly Q and A for those of you that pay, since I am currently off social media – this is the place to hang with me for now, for me it’s without any pressure of algorithms, pictures and put together reels and shit. No bullshit and fluff, just real and raw, cos that’s life, and it’s time we shared ALL of what life entails.

So, here’s a little snippet of my thoughts for when I go back online, my biz etc, obviously social media can only be a snippet, so it’ll be short reels, pictures, carousels and short captions, here will remain the full, long version. I will be talking about ALL things Health and Wellness, mind, body and soul, ill share more about my everyday practices, rituals, supplements I take, products I use, food I eat – because I like seeing that from others, so I figure ya’ll might wanna see that from me too.

The Mindset/emotional/mental health will ALWAYS be my number 1 passion and majority of my focus, but I want to encompass all that I live and breathe. I am not fully clear on my offerings yet, another reason for me to go offline to be still, explore and gain clarity, but im feeling into offering modalities, energy healing, sound healing ceremonies, Cancer coaching for those supporting a loved one with Cancer, and my Mindset Coaching – which can cover whatever is going on for you, whether that be mindset around authenticity, relationships, your food, whatever.

I am also vibing a complete overhaul of my website, new photos, new hair, and adding in the things that I already love and use that I actually can earn income on, alongside my services, and also perhaps a resource of all my recommended practitioners that ive personally used and love, products etc maybe one day when im cool I can get discount codes for some stuff for yah aha.

Anyway, that’s all for now, I need to go do some real life shit.

Please do comment below and let me know what you want me to share with you here, and what services you’d love me to offer when I am fully able to come back to work and hold space for those of you ready to upgrade your mind and life xx