Alternate Reality
12/12/22
Another hard weekend, fuck. Dan was doing really well most of last week, then slowly his pain started to get worse again, not just by his bowel, his shoulders, his chest, he finds it difficult to breathe and we’ve both had a cry. I got angry. Angry at the universe. Like, fuck you universe.
I figured we’d go up and down, but the downs and very down. Gut wrenchingly down. The kids are just insane right now, such high needs, Dylan is next level not listening to literally ANYTHING we say, they say 3 year olds are hard? 4 is not a fun time.
I am still trying to figure out a balance between everything. I need to take care of Dan and make sure he gets what he needs, rest etc, I need to be the primary carer for the kids, I need to look after the house and somewhere in there i’m supposed to look after me, too. Well, I know I need to because I have that awareness, but i’m simply not able to give myself all I need right now because if i’m not sorting the kids or the house, i’m sorting out research for Dans healing protocol, making appointments, trying to deal with winz to get childcare support because of course that has to be done separately.
I felt really good last week, like we were onto some thing, Dans pain had decreased, he was feeling good, then as soon as we went to the oncologist shit started going down hill, it’s so fucking depressing being in the hospital, and Dans got a PET scan weds, mri thurs and talking to a chemo lady fri, who will likely have the results from the scans and potentially a full and final diagnosis.
I’m scared. Like i’m fucking scared that it’s spread. I hope to fuck it hasn’t but i’m fucking scared it has due to how much pain he’s having and the size of the tumour in his bowel. If it’s bad news, I’ll probably break down again, then we’ll slowly pick ourselves back up because we have to.
What’s the alternative? Live a depressed life doing nothing for our health and happiness? Give up? No.
I think Dans still coming to terms with the fact that he can’t just go out and do whatever he wants, his body just doesn’t have the energy right now. I feel like things need to be simplified even more for us.
I still feel stupid sometimes showing up on social media, doing “normal” things with the kids, carrying around this big heavy load. But again, what alternative is there? The kids still need to be entertained, we still need to have fun, we still have to get groceries. I never force myself to show up on social media, but seeing what other people post sometimes, I feel like i’m living in a different world.
Realistically we need more help than we’re getting, but I don’t know how to really get the help we need as everyone is busy, its Christmas soon, everyone has their own kids, schedules etc But fuck does it leave me feeling lonely, and doing so much everyday around the house and with the kids like 80/20 it’s exhausting. And of course my insomnia and anxiety is being affected by all of this.
Deep breaths Sarah. Go Slow. Do what you can. That’s my motto. I do what I can for me, I do my best with the kids and around the house, to take care of Dan, that’s all I can do.