A Heavy load to Carry

17/4/23

Dan came home from hospital Saturday. Luckily Mum and dad took the kids to a birthday party then back to theirs to stay the night. So, Dan was able to settle back in at home slowly and we were able to have a nice quiet night of watching movies together, and a nice slow, peaceful morning. I cannot tell you how it did WONDERS to just be able to sleep (I mean I still suck at sleeping and woke up lots but could go back to sleep and not have to get up at 5am!) and to be able to go at my own pace and do things just for me in the morning, like yoga, make a cold-pressed juice and drink it outside etc etc I need that break to calm my nervous system back down from the relentlessness of caring for the kids and Dan all day, everyday.

I’m not going to lie, it’s really really fucking hard to see Dan so unwell. He is visibly very ill and it literally breaks my heart. He is a shell of his formed energetic and busy self. He’s still in pain, recovering from two surgeries in three weeks, and of course he still has a tumour on his bowel and cancer spread over his peritoneum. We have a very long, slow road ahead of us that is so unknown. I feel like I am living in grief.